One for the road: Good news and good bye

I've been reading through my older posts, looking at all of the steps it took to get to this point. How many I wrote when I was drunk, when I was sick, when I was digging and contemplating. I don't need to blog about that stuff anymore. I like that this format has a definite ending for me, because the good news has arrived; my medication had levelled off, I don't need to take another blood-test for six months, and if I continue behaving and adhering to the holy "Men's Health", then I'm going to be in an incredible position in about a year's time.

I also landed an interview at the University of Manchester. Whilst I may not accept a place even if I do nail the interview, I'll know how up to scratch I am with the teaching malarkey.

So that's it kids, I'm done. Thanks for reading and telling me how much you've enjoyed, and how my attempts at comedy actually got a laugh out of some of you.

See you soon for a new one of these I'm sure :P

"Maybe there are no accidents."

-Nev xo

The Meltdown

I'm having one.

To update my University situation, it goes like this.

I was having a "cheat day" on Monday, so I decided to indulge in some fish &chips from Bishops, and whilst waiting on this greasy delicious filthiness, i received a phone-call.

"Nevin, we absolutely loved your application, but since it came to us after the new year, we're hard-pressed to fit you in. Why did you leave it so late?"

Gap year, travelling, saving, not well, no travelling, three week bender, apply.

"We hope to see you in the future Nevin, as like we said, we were intrigued by your forms, goodbye."

My fish and chips weren't even that good. Gutted.

So my application is still with Strathclyde, so maybe there's hope, if not, then it gets passed to Manchester. After my first and second choice are ruled out, i told myself I wouldn't go somewhere else. I did that with Aberdeen,my saving grace there was that I made amazing friends who helped me sail through that year. I wouldn't be guaranteed that luck again.

So I continue to study for a teaching interview that may or may not happen, the whole while wondering; "What am I doing here, shouldn't I just move, there's plenty of places that'd be happy to have you."

It all stems from not knowing what I want to do, what best suit, where to go, where is best for me, what people to surround myself with, what people actually want or need me around.

So after four nights in a row with bad sleep, horrible dreams, and STILL no chocolate! I decided I'd do something for myself today.
I had an interview with Blast fm. An up and coming radio station based in Belfast, with a view to having a radio show. That'd be pretty fucking awesome eh?

I had a wee poke in "that" book today to see if the meditation was at all appropriate. Must be my lucky day.

"When one door closes, another door opens"

- Nev

This summer...

Is going to be fudging awesome.

I'm going to finally take the plunge and that lion tattoo on my pec/moob/ whatever-state-it's-in.

I'm a proud Leo after all.

I Have This Thought that...

Even though the puzzle pieces are falling into place - it doesn't mean it's going to make the picture I want to see.

- Nevin xxo

Just To Say

I'm chowing on a cheese-toastie, PB on toast and raspberries. - Just did a weights session and you gotta hit the protein FAST!!

Blood tests tomorrow, lots and lots of Bloodtests! Let's hope my numbers are good so I can get silly over the next few weeks!!

If I know ya', I'm lookin out for ya'

(Yeah I talk all gangsta and shit now!)

- Nevin xxo

Ahh!

Hair ... pretty please, GERMINATE!!!

The Day of the Observer

Quick album review;
Kids in Glass Houses : Dirt - 7.7/10

Is it pop-punk or Indie rock? Somehow they cover all the bases. It's the perfect album for parties or getting ready to go out, I'm absolutly loving it. It even has guest vocals from New Found Glory and Frankie from The Saturdays - AWESOME!!!

The Post!

I'll start oddly with my Meditation-quote-deelio;

"My responsibility for the world begins and ends with Myself"

I'm an observer, a curious dude, I throw big questions around, I'm a self professed "fixer"

Maybe I've been doing things wrong. Reading back on my posts, I sometimes think, "Am I being Dogmatic, am I imposing my beliefs on the reader?
Too dramatic?
A bit lofty?
I haven't a clue.

So I might take a break until I get other opinions, maybe I'll change the format.

Perhaps I'm just knackerd
Weight lifting + drumming + jogging + singing = Worn out Nev

Ciao for now
-Nevin xxo

The Day of Innocence

Before you take a gander, be sure to have a little look over my post "The Day of Integrity" (posted two days ago) I already started talking on this topic.

I would say there is the general consensus that innocence is slowly eroded with every passing year and every action we take. I already mentioned the particular things that are associated with this loss, so I wont spend time mentioning them again, only that we seem to have a scale of "OMG my innocence has just been fucked up!"

Then there's the idea that if we hadn't done this, read that, googled blue waffle, we'd be divine creatures, once more like our babby-counterparts. (Intentional spelling of "baby"!!)
So yeah a bit of mind-wiping a la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, yes?

Of course it doesn't exist yet;
"Targeted memory erasure is a fictional non-surgical procedure. Its purpose is the focused erasure of memories, particularly unwanted and painful memories"

Though we're not without our own cure;
"...it is a mild form of brain damage comparable to a "night of heavy drinking."

So in turn, I drink because I want to be more innocent?

No.

I have done bad things.
I've made mistakes.
I have regrets.
I have my faults.

I'm still innocent.
Odds are you are too.

So who's up for a little corruption? eh? funny? Yes? No. You're right, never.

But if you still feel like you've made yourself shut something or someone off, you feel hurt or damaged or generally "bad",just think about this. It may be bleak, but it quickly pushes you through a few steps in one sentence.

"Most depression is only anger - most anger, fear"



As for me. I'm gonna get back to making Easter goodies for my mates.

You know where to reach me, Facebook and 02 pay me now!
-Nev XoxO

The Day of the Originator

I often tried to keep my head above water, by making sure there was less of it.

What I mean is I could cut things away to keep my mind clear.
(Please refrain from you're an emo or "are you a "cutter"?" jokes please.)

So my bedroom, would consist of a bed, drawers and wardrobe. That's it. Okay obligatory drum kit, sheesh! You could say I was an easily distracted chap.
What is it about us? We tend to have exams and coursework and such every year, and it's important to a degree. But we'll do anything else to avoid it. Are we meant to sabotage ourselves in this way, do we not want to move forward? Counting the indentations on a radiator to avoid writing an essay - done it!

Then we struggle to manage our time. Some how we have to squeeze hours of school/uni in between work, being with your friends or other half and no doubt have some other commitment. I don't know about you, but I'd like a teensy bit of "me" time in between those things.

Though maybe it'd be best if I didn't. If I just jumped from place to place everyday, with a constantly changing cast of characters in my life,maybe it'd be funner, give me a buzz, some more energy. Maybe it'd wear me out enough so I could count less sheep.

So, why not open Pandora's box. Enjoy the chaos of your life. You might miss it when your adventures start to end.

"The secret to concentration is the acceptance of endless distractions"

- Nevin, Nev, Mr.Officer, Weirdy Beardy and so many more
xxo

The Day of Integrity

This day is said to be one where people manifest the innocence, spontaneity and candor of a child.

Alright everybody, throw your hands up if you've done something naughty. Right, that's all of you then.
Now before we talk innocence I want you to throw away all the notions you have to suggest you're not.
I don't care how much you drink, how many kinds of drugs you do, what impressive bedroom antics you've got up to or how much five-fingered discount you've amassed.
Odds are, there is still a good deal of innocence left in you. Think of every time you play with a little sibling. Or whenever you do something nice for a stranger.
Love and kindness are born from innocence.

I think I'm having a surge of it today as well. I can't stop blushing! Every time someone says something nice to be in work today or throw me a smile, my cheeks light up like I've downed six pints and spent an hour freaking out on the dance floor.
Maybe it's my good friend levothyroxine. Mixing around with the hormones are you? Well ... fair-play!

Spontaneity? Well, no more than usual from me. If something good comes on in work, I will start doing the robot, then a moon-walk then a "running man". Can't help it.
Parents out of the house?
Singing at the top of my fudging lungs.

I don't ever want to know the opposite word to spontaneity!

Last but not least, candor. Frankness for those who had to look it up. (Me) Well. I just tell it like it is, don't I?

"That all things do indeed pass is revealed when a child's sadness gives way to laughter"

- Nevin
xxo

The Day of Dynamism

I had a slight blogging fit yesterday, resulting in me posting two sets of lyrics (though appropriate) and a short "thought-blast" I was going to do a fourth but felt that now would be better.

Don't we do a lot of jumping around in our lives, not star jumps and the like (though naked leap-frog is my personal favourite) but in playing so many characters.

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,"

The point I was trying to get across yesterday was simply about my blog, when I read it it sounds like me but it's not entirely.

This is my blog voice, it is different from my friend voice, which is different from my brother voice, and so on ...


We do it seamlessly, and totally without being two-faced, I know today I'll be at least four slightly different people. Five if you count "Blog-Nev"

Maybe it's a little sad that some friends and my family won't get to see the whole picture (Jonah excluded, I have said some experiences and words with that guy!)

But really, I see whoring out your thoughts and feelings like whoring out your body - sure it may be fun for a time, but I'd much rather share everything with just one.

An open book ... just some of the best pages are missing.

Meditate;
"Males wear the makeup in the animal kingdom"

- Blog-Nev
xxo

In a Manner Of Sleep

We need a spark not another dead match
FIND THE WILL TO KEEP IT BURNING!

The Day of Beguiling Simplicity

I won't be ironic today.

Even though I've known for a long time that over-thinking things or jumping the gun is bad for me, I still do it.

Today, I just want to sit back back with a clear head, forgetting what neuroticism even means.

"The greatest gift that one can give to another is to reveal oneself"

-Nevin
xxo

Misguided Ghosts

I am going away for a while
But I'll be back, don't try and follow me
'Cause I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes

And run
From them, from them
With no direction
We'll run from them, from them
With no conviction

'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don't need no roads
In fact they follow me

And we just go in circles

Well Now I'm told that this is life
And pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it
Would someone care to classify,
Of broken hearts and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on

And run
To them, to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not, Useless
We are just

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one road
We should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me

They echo me in circles

The Day of Curiosity

Notable changes due to Levothyroxine - Better sleep. Hairier forearms?!

Curiosity killed the cat. I'm not sure where that poor puddytat is now though...or how he died.
Maybe he's really old road-kill.

The point is that there is only a certain degree where we can poke our noses in without getting spat at or poked in the eye.
In the metaphorical sense of course.
Unless you're into that sort of thing.
I personally am fine with a bit of rough-housing.

But I digress, we love a bit of gossip, myself included. It's not a bad thing, just need to be sure when we over-step our boundaries.
Note to self - other people's lives are NOT a window into some sort of soap.

Except mine, maybe, since I advertise to the world. I'm very cool with that.

"Within the microcosm and the macrocosm there are worlds in their own time and space"

Man, I need to start choosing better quotes, they'd probably be too soppy though ... ah well.

-Nevin
xxo

The Day of Direct Current

Today was the day I implemented my "turning over a new leaf" phase. I'm not saying my leaf or the side it's on right now was bad ... just that ... I've lost my way with this metaphor already!

But I curiously enough this morning did a wee count of how many pills I've taken.
18 of 100mg. This means that (hopefully) I am six weeks away from a "reboot" (see earlier posts)

So, I patiently, slowly and surely continue on with my work. I tell you, I am seriously craving a burger or fish and chips or something fried and swimming in grease.
But, I've been a good boy today. You know those days were you just CAN'T STOP eating or drinking the same thing over and over. Well it seems today I have something of a smoothie fetish. Throwing together blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, a banana and some vanilla yogurt.

It has seriously been a while since something that good has made love to my throat! Oh wait ... that's gonna sound like I'm gay. Ummmmmm

It has seriously been a while since something that good has been fucking hardcore and manly, my blender is metal as fuck and my smoothie composition is the shit!!

So, yeah, maybe a teensy bit hyper today ... but you need to try this smoothie!!

Another new thing today was weight training. I'm built like an elf; the only time I would say my body was in amazing shape was age 16/17, right before my thyroid decided to be a lazy gland.
Weights are nice change of pace for me, I was the typical tall guy runner/swimmer, a change is good for me.

Something I can't seem to get my arse in to gear is brushing up on my music skillz. I'll lazily bash away at a drum kit, not learning anything new, or make make noises on my keyboard without knowing how to play the thing at a decent standard.
I must have "lazy-lead singer-itis"

But that's okay. I'm going easy on my self. I'm getting too worked up on trying to make stuff happen, when really sometimes, I should realise that it's alright to just let things happen by themselves.


"Love involves respect for the time and space of all living things"

Thanks for your comments, messages, calls, texts and thoughts.
I fucking love you!
-Nev xxo

The Day of Clarity

Do you remember I wrote a while ago about the day after being drunk? That I had a nice juicy injection of perspective.
Well, I've been at that for four days in a row. What have I learned?

Drinking buddies are hard to come by,
Warm beer/cider gets drank faster, and
Buckfast-based cocktails are rather tasty.

But you can only do this for so long before you figure out the best way to feel better about yourself.
(Though I still heavily advocate a night of getting smashed and making spectacular shapes with your friends [sometimes strangers], getting covered in foam and later trying to hail a taxi as you walk all the way home)

I think that when we (yes my hand is especially up) set ourselves goals, perhaps Lent, we throw on the unnecessary pressure. Why don't we set goals we want to do? That we should have fun with? Realise we'll be better once we've accomplished. Most importantly, we shouldn't win all the time. The struggle just makes it that more interesting.

Today is the first day of Spring, so I though now would be best for something fresh and new.
Even if it is just an idea.

"The simplest melodies are the hardest to play"

- Nevin
xxo

The Day of the Labyrinth

ADVICE

Your emotions can destructive. Keep calm and in touch with your center. Direct your energies toward realistic goals. Observe your living.

Loving the babble from this book today, and I'll say ; check, check, check and check to all of the above. I'll go a step further and translate it into a language that is far more pleasing to my ears.

" Dude, like, chill the fuck out, yeah? Sweet!"

See, now I know, why I'm really stressed out. It became apparent this morning. I woke up at five, and this thing is haunting me. I'm addicted to it. If I could wipe it from my past I would. It holds me back, pins me down. But I can't tell anyone about it.

I make a large portion of my life visible to people. You go on my facebook, I have it pretty well fleshed out. This blog here is a window into my day-to-day. I don't mind sharing, I like sharing. Love it. But that is something only I can really fix, and hopefully soon before it hurts me.

My temporary solution.
My answer to most things?
Lets go dance and a have a wee drink eh?

Meditate;
"We create nothing, express nothing; we only discover or uncover what is already there"

I'll be at Laverys,
hopefully I'll see one of your might pretty faces real soon!

- Nevin xxo

The Day Of Dogged Persistance

Yesterday, I was not feeling very well. I perhaps have become a bit restless waiting around for University interviews. Impatient is a word that wouldn't even begin to describe what I was.

Now is a time of sticking to my guns. Keep the goal in sight and pursue it tirelessly.

That is what I wrote when I was sober. I am, for the third night in a row, drunk.
Not because, I drink as a pass-time,it just so happens that this week is one of those weeks where I get invited out a lot!!!
But really, I was VERY anxious yesterday because in a sense, the news I'm waitin' on largely determines what I'm doing for a year of my life. It's not something I fret about lightly.
Another reason I may have bottled up all the tension and let it out in some angsty publication is because... I don't have any other way to release it. Who do I talk to about things like this?
It's one of those times of the year, of my life, that I too often spend alone. Where no-one is in the same boat, the same limbo.

Ahh well. It's the booze maybe talkin' tonight. I'm slowly picking myself up. Always got to try and make a good go at this.

"All Life is Sacred"

-Nevin
xxo

The Day of Return

The entire world works in a beautifully monotonous cycle. We take our cue from the earth. It relentlessly spins, while clocks turn and people are born the very instant another dies.

It's this tiring cycle we try to break everyday in a search for any vigour left within ourselves.

This is a day where I particularly feel like though I've worked and pushed and tried to get things going. I'm back at square one.
"Oh so I pass these exams, now what?"
"Well now you can do more"
"And then..."
"Then you can go away to university"
"Where I'll be able to..."
"Take more exams"
"But when I'll graduate..."
"You'll probably be no better off than someone who didn't go."

Fantastic isn't it? And if your professional life leaves you feeling rather cheated, what about your personal life?
Your friends get scattered all over the place, you're unable to make the same time for each other because everybody is running the same rat race, endlessly running in their hamster wheels for that treat they're never going to get.
So really it's no wonder we're known to be a disillusioned generation. We're fed the notions that we'll reap what we sow, if we take our chance our dreams will all come true. We'll work jobs that pay well and don't cut into our personal lives, and gosh-darnit we'll just jump out of bed in the morning to go there!

And if this little slice of rhetoric seems highly out of character it's maybe because I can't even seem to scrape at the basics of a 22 year old lad like myself.

Maybe tomorrow.

"Completion often signals a new beginning"

You can find me with all the conventional methods at all the hip places.
- Nevin Officer xxo

The Day of the Aerialist

I've noticed that I have broken into a routine that fits in with another particular group; the young mums.

So basically when I'm out shopping in Ballyclare, it's me, shop-keepers, mums and little peeps.
I'm not complaining either, all these babies and toddlers have an AWESOME sense of humour.

Regardless of such an observation, my mission was to acquire a bottle of the finest Jagermeister for myself and all in my company tomorrow, a big-ass bottle of whiskey for the brother and to indulge my love of dress-up and silliness, I needed some face paint to support our team tomorrow.

Yes, at long last the big day is upon us. A day of having a nice eclectic mix of people, all under the B.R.A. flag, shouting our arse off before diving head-first in St.Patrick's Day festivity.

Keeping it simple tonight, like a diary log or something. No big message, just wishing all the best to the lads, and lets have a day to remember.

- Nevin
xxo

(P.s Today's quote has pretty much nothing to do with anything but I'll put it here for the sake of tradition)

"Flowers and butterflies are delicate but also surprisingly strong"

The Day of the Heights

You know the drill by now. When not doing the things a good son, brother, grandson or friend does, I often have a lot of time leftover with me myself and I.

So I consulted the big book - you should know the one by now!

ADVICE

"Though you may not be satisfied with your position, learn to enjoy yourself where you are. Beware of your power drives; remain unselfish. Kindness and generosity will repay you many times over. Give up unconscious contracts with your parents."

Well played book. Very well played. I'm not really having a ball in this position. I've been living with my folks for approximately 6 months and to be rather blunt, I'm going frickin' crazy. I didn't think I'd be here this long (remember me wanted to go get into adventures around the world from January) but I'm still gonna be here up until summer methinks. It's not the natural order of things, you fly the nest and don't come back, that's how it works. I love them, but I don't this is healthy even! But there's no fixing it, I'm not moving until I know the uni situation!

"Remain unselfish" - My Dad has often been telling me for years that I'm too selfless, that people would abuse kindness and use me as a stepping stone. Only time will tell with this one, but I'm gonna take this advice.

"Kindness and generosity..." Something I've noticed kinda recently, maybe in the past year or so. Is that not only are people very shocked by kindness, but they're suspicious of it. It's something that's really upset me, but godammit I'm gonna continue making people suspicious! :P

What else did I get up to today? Well ALL of the university stuff is now in motion, It's in the hands of my referees now. I'm going to attempt some sort of positive voodoo by casting spells on a Strathclyde hoodie I've ordered, sounds like something I'd do.
Of course with the stress of all that I had to wind-down, so I've been recording and singing my little heart out, expect covers of such songs to be slapped all over facebook in the near future.

Can't wait for tomorrow, gonna buy some paints, make some banners, get the booze, you know the score!

I'll leave you with this rather chirpy quote, enjoy, get it tattoo'd pass it on.

"The perfect marriage of pleasure and pain can be found in the realm of love"

We're getting closer now.
- Nevin xxo

(p.s I got an answer to yesterday's question)

The Day of Relativity

Cider drank: A river supposedly

Times mind blown: Twice

Mummies visited: Three

As much as I love a good party; music blaring at me, bad dancing, people disappearing into darkened corners and the obligatory excess of cider. I, rather oddly treasure the whole next day.

Memories flood back gradually and constantly. You laugh at the texts you may have sent, wonder why you aren't wearing exactly what you arrived in, and of course drunken honesty you can never quiet take back.

It's days like today where I have the best perspective. I wake up and yes, my head is sore, my tum is wondering "WHY?!" but everything seems very clear. I'm always happy, hopeful and oddly productive. This isn't the easiest thing to achieve when I'm stuck in Uni-limbo!

Do you ever think about what part you play at the party? Do you feed everyone? Are you doing the rolling? Crying in the corner? Being sick? Occupying a bedroom?
Like I said you're maybe never more honest than you are when drunk. Perhaps it's a good exercise in figuring out what jigsaw piece you are in the group-puzzle.

"We are at once the same-and worlds apart"

I'm going to go jam, in an attempt to tire myself out so I might fall asleep.
Night night ♥
- Nevin

p.s I hear it was national steak and blowjob day ... is there a chocolate and cunnilingus day?

The Day of Fateful Prediction

Something that often keeps me up at night (and invariably gives me a slow start in the morning) is wondering what if?

You often see facebook groups called "I play out scenarios in my head" or "I play out conversations in my head" and I have to say I'm very guilty of both. But ultimately I always come to the same conclusion;

"That's not how it is, it didn't work out that way"

I give myself an answer and I console myself. All that shit happened and it makes what's about to happen soooooo worth it. The "god works in mysterious ways" arguement if you will.

To be continued, (I'm mid cider and party)

Nevin
xxo

The Day of the Great Leap

So I'm in a similar position as last night. I have both references now and I'm just waiting on details.
I've even made my preferences with my choices.

*DRUM ROLL PLEASE*

And the winner goes to.............................................

STRATHCLYDE!!!

It was at the end of the day a no-brainer, it's got an awesome rep for teacher-training. If you had seen what I did to try and get to Glasgow in first year, you'd be surprised that I had any dignity left.
I apparantly have enough left to get on stage and strip naked for an auditorium full of students. Nice.

I'm often in Scotland, seemingly going anywhere but Glasgow, I have a big goofy grin on arrival, and an equally big ( but a lot less goofy, no-one likes a sad clown) frown on departure.

Even if I don't get into Uni this year (lets hope that isn't the case!) I'm damn sure I'll move to Glasgow, get into adventures and shit!

The other thing that has been MIGHTY tempting today is to start a band. I even registered with a musician seeking/wanted website, and I've found a couple of people who seem cool. Oooooh what ever will I do. Like most bands I've been in, it'll probably only last 6 months, in-fighting will occur between the original members whilst the "new guy" (me) slinks away before he has smack the asshole lead guitarist.
Still, sounds like fun!

"Caution should not be mistaken for cowardice"

Well kids have a good weekend, house party for me tomorrow night. If you don't want pestered by a drunk tomorrow say so now.

- Nevin
xxo

The Day of Progressive Intuition

I'm pretty much hours away from sending off my application, I just have to secure my second reference and that will be that. This is the scariest part for me. The waiting period. I'm absolutely fine with interviews, I largely know what to expect and can handle that kind of pressure.

I think in my mind, I've already packed my bags. I know in my head where I want to be most of all, and I can picture myself being quiet the happy chappy there. The first time I left for Uni, I had those pangs of guilt. Like you had just used your parents for 18 years and were away off to drink away "free money" whilst occasionally sticking your head in a book ... though in my case, I often used it as a pillow during lectures.

(Seriously, my complete works of Shakespeare book is frickin' comfy!!)

I'm very content with flying the nest, my parents still have Reuben after all. (Imaginary younger brother, general lazy bastard ... it's a long story)

So of course, the question on my mind is : what the fudge am I going to bring? Well as it turns out, I don't have that much stuff. Somewhere along the line I got sensible with possessions. Yes I have the usual books/cds/dvds but beyond that there's not much else, a few dumbbells and musical instruments ... I wonder if my drum kit will fit in the car, I'm sure that'd score me some cool points;

"Here come look at this! This Irish lad has a drum kit instead of a wardrobe AND a keyboard instead of a desk!"

It's not so much that I'm tight with money, if you've been out with me you know I don't like to see an empty hand or a dry mouth in my company ... wait ... that sounded kinda dirty. I like it. The double entendre stays!
I just think I'm REALLY crap at spending money on myself, and with a £6000 bursary hopefully coming my way in September, perhaps that's a habit I should get out of!

Since I may collapse at any second I shall leave you with these words and this thought;

"Imagine having to carry everything you own"

First and second round is on me.
-Nevin xxo

The Day of the Soul Searchers

Do you ever wonder what state your soul is in? For those of you who may be "non-religious" or of no faith, I extend my meaning of soul to encompass spirit, psyche and so forth.

I wrote a few days ago, about physical appearance and the lengths we go to preserve our looks OR not as it may be. Do you often think about your soul? Perhaps if we can equate soul to the sum of all thought and personality, how high in regard to you hold it?

Let's look at saaaaaay Paris Hilton. What has she achieved? She filmed herself havin' a good ole' time with her fella. Twice. I guess some might find her attractive ... if you're a fan of the skeletal Barbie doll, who am I to judge? But she sure as hell hasn't developed herself as a person.

When "soul-searching" as it were, I think really all we do is ask a ton of questions, look for the answers for a long time but generally don't find an answer. But nevertheless we searched. That's what I think the soul really is. A person's intangible will, grace, hope, faith and all other virtues that sound dangerously like I'm naming past tv shows.

I'd say many of these blogs have been soul-searching ones. I often don't provide many answers, but I sure as hell explore every corner.

That's my lot for tonight, my head is pickled over Universities and such. Lets pray I get it right and end up in Glasgow this time eh?

-Nevin
xxo

(Sillily excited that it's one week to the school's cup final and St.Patrick's day - I'm gonna be sooooo drunk!!! :D )

The Day of the Space Voyager

I thought tonight we'd take a little journey. One where we travel through my bloodstream and explain how things work for me ... or rather how they don't!

This blog's original aim was to be one part journal and one part detailling my reaction to levothyroxine. Somewhere along the line I've used it to discuss life in general.
So I figured this should be a good time to explain what hypothyroidism does, and what it is.

Hypothyroidism means that the thyroid gland does not make enough thyroxine. It is often called an under active thyroid. This causes many of the body's functions to slow down.

Thyroxine is a hormone (body chemical) made by the thyroid gland in the neck. It is carried round the body in the bloodstream. It helps to keep the body's functions (the metabolism) working at the correct pace. Many cells and tissues in the body need thyroxine to keep them going correctly.

Many symptoms can be caused by a low level of thyroxine. Basically, everything 'slows down'. Not all symptoms develop in all cases.
Personally one of the most serious effects in my case is the extremely high cholesterol. Think of the blood in your body transporting everything you need to be healthy and full functioning. Mine just so happens to be clogged up with garbage. No fun for me!
I never guessed that I had this condition, my symptoms came on separately and gradually since I was seventeen. In that time I've experienced;

Poor muscle tone
Fatigue
Depression
Muscle cramps
Thinning hair and hair loss
Paleness
Insomnia

I always just brushed it off with some excuse I told myself.

Insomnia at 17? "My parents have weird sleeping patterns"
Hair falling out in clumps at 19? "Must be Uni stress"
Tired and sore. "Man I must've killed it at the gym today!"
Paleness? To be fair, I haven't had a sunny holiday since I was 16!
Depression? "Everybody hurts... sometimes...!!!" :P

The great thing is that I think I manged to sail through those years pretty well. I've always been an exuberant, happy-go-lucky kinda dude. I always worked around those things in a silly way. When you only sleep four hours a night it makes you an extremely useful person to know, and rather awesome at parties!!!
For the past month or so and for the next month or two, I'm living what my doctor and I call a "restricted lifestyle" you name, if its fun, I probably am not allowed to do it... except I am allowed to drink - nice!
But as long as my dosage stay steady, these ailments will be a thing of the past. First thing I'm going to do is grow my hair back and rock a proper "emo" haircut, then I can't wait for my holiday in the south of France , mmmmmmm sun!

This has been an oddly self-indulgent post, but it's not bad to take time and study yourself a little bit!

"The most interesting person you ever meet in your life may be yourself"

Goodnight all, since today's blog has been about the body, and I already spoke about the heart, I guess tomorrow will be the soul!

- Nevin xxo
(even though those are cyber hugs and kiss, I would totally be cuddling you right now and plant a few wet ones on ya!)

The Day of Nonconformity

This day has been quiet a dolly mixture. Not only was there an absence of that lethargic struggle to get out of bed... the day outside was magnificently beautiful, sure I didn't do anything terribly exciting, cleaned my house, did a few rounds of laundry and jammed for a bit; the usual.
The middle of the day dragged terribly, I can't seem to go 24 hours without talking to somebody. It used to be the case that I functioned well as a hermit, and when out about I was the life and the soul. Now it seems that me being lonely finally equates to me being lonely.
Now the last third of the day is where the HUGE SMACK in the face occurs. I'm on the gttr website (applications for prospective teachers) and notice that a hell of a lot of universities have no vacancies.
This puzzles me, as there is no set deadline for applications for students wishing to teach at secondary level. So out goes Aberdeen, Glasgow, Newcastle and Northumbria. I had made such amazing friends who attend these universities and now I'm feelin' a little sorry for myself, and slightly foolish too.

I believe I was the guy who ranted about seizing the day and not hesitating. Seems Ironic that I didn't have my application finalised as soon as I got home from my trip.

All is not lost however. Manchester remains as an option, was one of my original choices and one of my best mates live there.

Strathclyde, a university very well renowned for its teaching course is available. It just so happens to be in Glasgow, a city I LUUUURRRRRRRRRRVE!

Exeter is another choice, I've been there for a rather sweet weekend, and have a couple of buddies there.

Finally York, a place I originally applied for after grammar school.

To think I was worried about what to write about today! Well I'm a rather stressed monkey right now so I'm gonna head off. If you happen to go to one of these fine institutions, please give me the buzz and a general "low-down" of what it's like!

"The power is there - we only have to plug into it"

I'll speak to you all soon hopefully!
- Nev xxo

tHE dAY OF aBSTRACT sTRUCTURE

I happened to wake up this morning in an unfamiliar house, on a familiar sofa, wrapped up like baby Jesus with a half full bottle of Morgan's beside me. There goes me saving myself for St.Paddys/School's cup final. I have only Ben Wilson to thank for this.

However I couldn't spend any time lingering around, basking in the tipsy memories of the previous night or the rather lovely dream I had, no no, I've got to make my escape home and get some all-new and improved Levothyroxine (now in Belgium chocolate flavour) and breakfast.
One that was accomplished, I basked in life's little pleasure of standing in the shower 10 minutes longer than usual; they're like vertical wet beds right? Mmmmmm
This of course is followed by my "just out of the shower dance". This can be a rather frantic exercise on a floor towel that is one part tribal dance, one part boogie and one part mosh. If there is one part of my day where I am guaranteed to be happy, this is it.

Upon returning to my room, I'm feeling rather motivated ( as I oddly am after drinking) do I try and write/record some tunes OR will I do some weights. Both seemed fun, I could do both before dinner.

Oh no. *RING RING* "Yes, I'll cover your shift"

So my plans went right out the window, my day didn't quite come together as I'd planned. And for some reason,perhaps because of last night's dream I would actually love a bottle of champagne and some strawberries!

"Following our dreams can lead us to freedom or imprisonment"

Many apologies for those wanting more in-depth high brow discussion. But at least now you know I have a shower dance.

Anyway;
Sleep, perchance to dream...

-Nev xxo

The Day of the Beauty Lovers

As the title suggests, I'll be attacking the issues of beauty and love and what they mean in our generation. Whereas before I have a tendency to be playful and cute with my language, this is a topic that demands closer attention and respect ... so expect all the attempts at humour near the end ;)

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder they say, and they're damn right. You've probably done the same thing as myself and my mates - the hot or not game, marry/snog/avoid etc. And I bet a lot of the time you disagreed with your mate's opinions and at best agreed when neither of you were that fussed. I'm particularly bad at it when I'm out with a lot of girl mates - I'm pretty crap at pickin' out guys who I think they might find attractive.
I guess that's a good thing, yes?

Yet there seems to be no tried and tested formula for beauty, and thank god for it. Imagine if it was something you could quantify, it would me a hell of a scramble when people pair off. (Think school disco with 20/30 year old and more fighting)
Then there's your mates other halves, boy is that a tricky one! What do you do when asked "what do you think?" after seeing a picture.
You should neither reply "eugggghhhhhhhhh!!! OH GOD MY EYYYYYYYYESSSSSS!

NOR

"Dude, your lady is friggin' smokin' ... she got a sister?"

What is the level of importance you attribute to beauty also? The perennial looks vs personality debate is one that will rage on forever. You may think that good looks are the clincher because obviously that's what we see first, rather sadly, a well-filled-in personality profile doesn't hover above people's heads when your out and about. Damn.
There are the personality supporters who argue that a solid first impression easily trumps how "fit" they may be. That beauty wanes and fades, whilst a character can endure for a lifetime is another stronger argument to be made.

Though whatever camp you may be from I'd bet my wallet (and it's contents!) that you doll youself up whenever you head out. I stick my hand firmly up as being this person. Hardly anyone will see me wearing my glasses, If I'm going to a club, I'm normally wrapped in a fancy shirt, waistcoat and one of my many various ties. (Mmmmmm ties)
It's an absolutly animalistic thing to do, like peacocks, we want to draw as much attention to ourselves as possible, and why not? I can't exactly wear a t-shirt saying "I'm a pretty sweet dude" and expect a room full of people to nod in agreement.
I suppose the important question to ask if do you like yourself? Even love yourself? Forget your make-up, contacts lenses and fancy clothes. Are you happy with yourself when you look in the mirror?
I was sent mail from an old friend voicing concern over me being on a diet, and that I should have more important things to worry about and that I should just be out enjoying myself. I would've like to agree, but, when I look in the mirror, I see a bit of a wreck. I'm neither under-weight nor over-weight, I just think I look rather average, and to me, average =boring.
Our generation of course, perhaps more than any other is exposed to a grossly unhealthy amount of magazines, t.v and films of people being described as "perfect."
Fuck that. When I see size 0, I wince. When I see perfectly straight, white teeth, I screw my face up. When I see middle aged people without a single wrinkle, I laugh my ass off.
It's these things that throw many a problem our way, the odds are they are our role models, but we're at a danger of taking things too far when we think we need to look like toys or models.

Beauty invariably leads to one of the most dangerous words and phenomenons in the world; Love.

" Falling in love too easily and too often may in fact be an expression of disaffection with oneself"

Our generation has what appears to be two major motivating factors; their career, and their pursuit of love. The two often being at odds and a major source of heartache.
When does love occur? Do you believe in love at first sight? Well what about the blind eh? I jest. Maybe it took a little longer for that seed to be sown. Maybe weeks months, even years to realise your blossoming feelings.
But was it real? It seem that love may have been diluted through abusive over-use, you hear young teenagers say it, you may even have that friend who has a new other-half every couple of weeks and you hear the "L word".
I'm not about to throw down the absolute definition of Love, all the poetry, songs and movies combined can't accomplish that feat. I'm not irritated by being unable to find it's meaning. I'm pissed off with people who mis-treat it. Those who use it as bait, as an excuse.

Another thing that has swept me up in the past is the assumption of "magical love". The kind that is apparent in Twilight, The Notebook, A Walk to remember and many of Walt's classics. We seem to think that we'll meet Boy/Girl "X", and they will be incredibly thoughtful, romantic, giving, surprising, tolerant, patient all together perfect people. Yet the second they might slip up BAMMM!!! that person is monster who dashed our dreams, broke our hearts and ruined our lives. People aren't superheroes, we can't always swoop in and make everything better. In my incredibly honest opinion, the best person for you is the one who wants to fulfill these qualities, the one who tries their best to uphold them.
There is no perfect, no smooth ride.

So if I can quote Juno, I shall;

"The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

I really can't put it much better than that. Other than possibly with this, perhaps my favourite guide to living;

"Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile"

But if you are in love; how lucky you are!
Or if you're with that special someone, count your blessings.
You're certainly at the end of my envy :)

With Love,
Nevin xxo

The Day of Heaven and Hell

Now before you think that the fine thread that connect me to sanity has snapped fear not; I have indeed not been on an epic quest involving angels, demons, Jay OR Silent Bob. It's just my eye catching way to draw you into my musings on perspective :D

Largely, I've been having a jolly good time (suddenly I'm an old English man) doing the whole "wannabe-student-teacher" thing, and being on the other side of the desk is never scary for me. I just find it a tad odd that I still feel like I'm learning when the shoe is on the other foot!
Another thing that is still very weird to me is the whole double life/identity malarkey that comes with being a teacher. Throughout the day I'm Mr.Officer - that's fair enough. But I had two lower-sixth girls recognise me from outside of school and asked if they can call me "Nev/Nevin".
"Sadly not", I replied, "Only once I'm outside of those gates"
It's something I find myself doing still. I always refer to my past teachers Ms.Graham and Mr Spence by those titles as least once before using their "real"/first names!

Another thing, and I MIGHT just be going crazy, but it's like everybody recognised me, and I them. I got many a knowing look. Did I teach them last year? Was I around when a brother/sister of theirs was in the school? Am I unbeknownst to myself a cult Internet icon?

I think not.

Though that'd be kinda' cool!



What did make my day rather lovely where the following;

"Mr Officer, are you going to be teaching us every day from now on?"

"Mr Officer!!! Remember meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee from last year?"

"It's all good sir, we like you already"

They were all absolute legends, there's a weird school spirit in the school that was sadly lacking when I was there. It'slike the place has taken the best parts of high school musical.
But my generation took the worst parts of American Pie! :(

Then there were the kids who though they were being mis-behaved and went quiet around me, like I was the scary-new-person. It being a Friday, and me being perhaps a little bit too laid-back, I was up for promoting any and all mischief that 12/13 year olds thought they were getting themselves into.
I think we can learn something from that. Live a little, yeah?

"Most children think that they are devils who play at being angels, when very often it is the reverse that is true"

Normally this is where I sign-off!
You'll be hearing from me! xxo


P.S Do you read this in your voice, my voice or the voice you remember? Just curious.

The Day of Creative Isolation

Periods in school burnt through : 9 and some extra stuff at lunch!

Hours of sleep last night: 5-ish

Current Levothyroxine dose :50 mg (for now)

The results are in folks, and as expected from my blood tests, my dosage will be doubled to 100mg. Now whilst this is both expected and what I'd hoped for, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. It in a sense means another month of getting "back on track" - another month of living a very heavily restricted lifestyle. But c'est la vie! I've been through 5 years of mounting symptoms, what's 5 more weeks ... man I could really murder a cheeseburger right now :P

In other news, I have gone back to school *STOP NOW! Listen to "Deftones - Back to school"* and it's amazing how much a place can change, even since last year when I was teaching. I'm very proud to have gone to Belfast Royal Academy, even though I didn't always have the funnest of times, I can say that things got better by the year; as i got increasingly addicted to the stage and one of my happiest memories is rockin' out in front of half of the school with my mates!
I'm not entirely sure where that came from - that transition of shy boy to drama-geek to mic-swinging rocker to whateverthefuckiamnow.
Though I very much have a soft spot for that quiet little dude I used to be, and pretty much all shy people in general. You're all so mysterious and captivating to me :D

What I loved best today was "high-school-sense-of-humour"; I walked into the the sixth form centre and then,
some guy,"Yeo! Robert Pattinson!!!"
me, "WTF?! I miss my fringe ..."

So well played to that guy, maybe I'll catch him tomorrow!

Time for the little meditation before I disappear for the night methinks;
"Some people who are silent have nothing to say"

Seems pretty obvious right? Well compare it to one of my favourite quotes from one of my favourite films and something I very firmly believe in;

"That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the ---- up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence."

- Mia Wallace, Pulp Fiction

You know you've done it, and if you haven't you should, just shoot the breeze with one of your friends or other-half, perfectly happy on each other's company. It's a weird, cool and lovely feeling.

So maybe tomorrow we'll be ... where we belong.
-Nevin xxo

The Day of Design

Meditation - "The grand pattern of the universe is God's design"

I saw a film today called "The Crazies" I'm not going to give it a full review ... I may start another blog solely for reviews... BUT if you enjoy fresh takes on Zombies and fun ways to dispose of them AND watching one of your best mates squirm in their seat, I'd highly recommend it!

The Crazies : 7/10 (Watch out for a particularly cool knife scene, and count the Iraq war references!!)


Anyway back to the serious contemplative matter, where I act all high brow and wise and shit!
An argument that has crept up in many a classroom and uni lecture, regardless of the subject is the Nature/Nurture debate. I won't patronise you about it, but basically it boils down to "are we made OR do we make ourselves"
This of course is something that's a concern to me now. I'm on medication for the first time in my life. They have anti-depressant effects. In a sense then, once it's been in my system a sufficiently long time ( a few months) will I have a different personality? Would it be different than a personality change that occurs sheerly through time?

Another case was between the end of summer and before Christmas, I had decidedly bulked up through exercise and eating six times a day, my Belfast peeps noticed the change and it was one I had consciously chosen for myself, it is of course a moot-point seeing as (thanks to the hypothyroidism) I struggled to keep the weight on - ragin'!

So how aware are you to the changes that occur to you, If you notice it, are you in control of it, do you fight against it?
That's just my little thought for the day, tip your bartenders, stay classy!

Maybe I'll see tomorrow, if not, I'm just another another sleep closer I guess.
-Nevin xxo

The Day of Undying Loyalty

Meditation: "God may not be so far away"

Today I lost blood, but I've gained motivation. Awesome trade eh?
I think I've been on Levothyroxin for maybe 5 weeks now. Initially the only improvement I've noticed is better quality of sleep, and generally a pretty chipper mood. The past few days have seen my enthusiasm return; I'd slowly lost interest in generally everything in my life for 2 or 3 years I'd say and I just chalked it up to me becoming lazy or an overly "chilled-out-dude", but I'm engaged again.
I've spent most hours of yesterday and today on my drum stool, gettin' my groove back! I had all but given up on the drums, as I felt every bit of skill fade away and had resigned myself to selling my kit. But I'm happy to report I've been bust writing and I'm sitting on four new songs that just need some guitar to fill them out, wooooo, excited!

But on to a little digging around our collective character, more to the point, what we think of loyalty? Are you a fiercely loyal person? Do you stand by your friends, family and ideals staunchly? How about blindly? Will you stand beside them when you know they are wrong? What does that say about you?

Just a little food for thought for today. No advice. No preaching.

P.S Belfast Royal Academy FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Odds are, I'm making/arranging some sort of pressie for you,
Nevin xxo

The Day of Artisitic Sensibilities

Hello everybody!!

Right, now that the enthusiasm is out of the way, I can get right down to it. I'm pissed off. Like Zinedine Zidane headbutt pissed off.
I know what's doing it too, but I just have no way of fixing it. I let the past haunt me somewhat. I'll never be able to let go of a mistake, missed opportunity or losing somebody. If I could have a reset button surgically attached to my ass, that'd be fab! So I suppose today and last night has been a group session with me and my demons, woo!!

Therefore in time of such doubt I turn to the big book! No, not the bible ... maybe later. Remember the big book of birthdays I talked about waaaaaaay back? No? Well there's a picture up top for you Alzheimer's hopefuls.

So I scanned down today's page to the Advice section, which read thusly;

"Don't always look for the door. Build up the aggressive side of your nature. Find what really suits you, realistically, but beware of being swallowed up by your role"

Lets break down that rather simple yet brilliant slice of feel-good pie shall we;

Don't always look for the door - Stop chasing questions that can't be answered (waaaay ahead on that one)

Build up the aggressive side of your nature - Now this might me hilarious to some of you who have known me for less than a few years. Yes, I am capable of being angry, it happens extremely infrequently, but sadly scares the shit out of my best mates. So I poured all my aggression into a drum kit today. Turns out I have my rhythm back - win!

Find what really suits you, realistically, but beware of being swallowed up by your role - I'm soon going head first into teacher trainer, it's a nurturing kinda job, it's what I do. I've had people phone me up at all hours, cry on my shoulder, use me as a therapist during free periods in school, for as long as I can remember. I like helping people. But who helps the helpers ya'know?

Yet, blogging how I feel everyday, makes me feel a tad better. If one person is reading this and is the same boat and can empathize, then I guess this is all worth it.
Alas, I have an hour and half left to stuff my face before the fasting for my blood-test, yet I'm dieting ... wonder if I'm allowed Ice-cream? Mmmmmm.

Well meditate on this blog-stalkers!

"An aesthetic person sees beauty in the ordinary"

-Nevin, xxo

The Day of Zest

It's sunday folks!!!!!

Oh yes, that's right. You're hungover as fuck.

OR

It's a crappy. lazy sunday, you've nothing to do and no-one to spend it with

OR

You spent it all day doing course-work and you're reward will probably be a half slept night before work/uni tomorrow

Geez, and they say Mondays are bad, it has some serious competition today!
What did I do? You may ask?
Well, I had the lovely combination of the three, thanks very much!

I didn't drink last night; I was offered to go the "The Venue" and whilst I woud love to dress as emo as possible and thrash around to Papa Roach, I'm having to safeguard my monies for the next time I go wanderin'! Nevertheless, I woke up feeling like my three weeks of indulgent living smacked me up the face.
Anybody to hang-out with today? Ahhh, of course, I live in Ballyclare, everyone in quiet a drive away :(
As for work? More teaching malarky and whilst I did have some fun recording some vocals, the software would have to crash right? Right. Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy >:(

All that aside, it's been a good day to set some goals in motion, perhaps you remember my blog on how I'm spending my"rehab time" ;
http://nev-man.blogspot.com/2010/01/easy-like-sunday-morning.html

If not, see the above picture!

So, I've stuck to my guns, invested in home-gym equipment and I'm ready feel the burn, boo-yeah!!!

Now to you ladies and jellyspoons, what was your goal for the end of the day? Next week, month, season etc? Even if you think it's the teeniest bit unrealistic, how do you think you're going to go about it? Go on, please leave a comment! I know alot of you read this, I'm just curious of what you're after, that's all!

But alas, the quote collection grows bigger still;

"The object of one's enthusiasm is at least as important as the enthusiasm itself"

Feel free to ...

Nevin, xxo

The Day of the Reality Masters

New hairstlye - check

Job "interview" - check

Understanding the "whys", "hows", "whens" and "why the fuck nots?" of my life? - still workin' on that one ...


I was thinking alot today of being five years old again. In particular, my first day of school. If the person who left you there told you "this is the first step of the greatest adventure of your life" you'd feel a little short changed;

"Nevin, today is the first step of the greatest adventu..."
"YAY! It's morphin' time ... mummy, you lied, I'm not a power ranger ..."

But really if I had been told that, I wouldn't have found any significance to it. Now is an entirely different story.
I've known two of my best friends since the first day of school, I had my first kiss there, it pushed me to the grammar shcool I attended. The people I met in B.R.A helped shape me far more than I realisied, far more than was in my control. I suppose what I'm trying to put across is that we never understand the journey until we get to the destination, and that I waste alot of time trying to make sense of things, looking for a pattern to it all and trying to pin-point "where it all went wrong", where I do well and how I can try to make myself better everyday.

I ask myself all the time, would the "five-year-old-you" be happy with the "present-you"?

Now, whilst I am disappointed that I never have, and possibly never will be a power ranger/spider-man/ rock-star, I think lil' Nev would be happy with me not being a scaredy-cat, but frustratingly I don't now if I had any goals for myself back then.

Well just some food for thought today, try and remember you're five-year-old self, I bet he/she knew how to eat life with a shovel and didn't poke at life's little complications.

""Necessity" is a relative term"

Still wearing it on my sleeve,
Nevin xxo

The Day of Arousal

Total money spent: An entire bank account; I ran out in Manchester and Boyd lent me a tenner!

Hours spent hypnotised: 2.5

Hours of fame in Newcastle: 5.5

When I last made a post, I had made it to Nottingham and was without medication. I was off of it for for around a week in total, two days in particular were especially "swingy",so I have to congratulate Michael Wilkinson for enjoying/handling that!

My stay is Newcastle was surprisingly awesome. No sooner had I stepped off the bus and Wilky had fed me dinner (he's a good lad that Wilky, I don't why EVERYBODY speak so much shit about him. Maybe it's because he ... well,I'll go into that another day :P ) that I went to see a play called ROAD in a warehouse. It was an amazing mesh of comedy and tragedy.looking at working class communities in the thick of a labour-strike. A few drunken and fumbly scenes made it worth a giggle, and yes they were a fucking sexy bunch of people. Right after that, was the after party, if you want to know just look for the pictures on Facebook ... the same can be said for the Rocky Horror Picture Show party!

At the end of the week, I went to visit Bethany and Laura, who treated me to a night out starting with a Hypnotist. I am a HUAAAAAAGE sceptic of hypnotism, and not being shy of a stage or an audience I jumped up and joined 17 other suitably "game" folk. Let me tell you, it works. She chilled us out for about 15 mins before "putting us under". I danced to "All the single ladies", gave a speech as Tony Blair, sang "Don't Stop Believin'" (glee style) performed my favourite sexual positions and stripped a la The Full Monty. This in turn made me extremely famous for the night, and according to Bethany;"I didn't take advantage of it"

This of course is the extremely abridged version of the story, but it has firmly put Newcastle as one the forerunners for University next year. There are few other places where I've settled in so quickly or made so many cool mates.

The conclusion of my trip was exactly what I needed; a good wind down. Manchester and Boyd were the perfect solution. Hanging out with him felt like the old days, watching stupid comedies, playing video games, piles of junk food and generally nerding it up - what a guy!

So now I'm home, I've blood tests ahead of me, so I get to see how the pills have helped me out!

Other than that, the past 24 hours have been me trying to tie up loose ends and push things forward. My applications for University are ready to go and I've decided that Aberdeen, Glasgow, Manchester and Newcastle are the places for me, for various reasons.
I also went into a rather familiar comic store today and was offered my old job back, for a spilt second I thought that this would be a step-back, but why? I've just blown about a grand, and in a time when most people are killing each other for employment, it's being thrown on my lap! AND it's something I now know a lot about, I hope I get a phone-call soon!

Speaking of which, I haven't had many texts/phone calls between 12 and 4am, did people suddenly stop drinking or do they know now that my insomnia fades with every day?

So all in all, I'm having a mostly good time. My biggest quibble regards me making decisions, or rather my inability to do so. I certainly don't want things to be very easy or simple, but I have the very cliché issue of my heart, mind (and sometimes) body not agreeing. What always wins out for you guys?

My meditation for today then is this;

"Awakening others carries tremendous responsibilities"

I hope that helps you in some way, because I'm not sure how it applies to my life. Perhaps I need to be careful with people.

Anyway, this had been a rather large blog, so I'll let you go get on with your lives. Looking forward to catching up with the Belfast peeps, and if you live in one of my "university cities" I may be crashing on your floor in the future, don't worry though, I'll take you out as payment!

Love you, Nev xxo

The Day of Unifier

Money pretty much thrown away: £90-120

Smirnoff ices drank: 4

Minds blown by watching Memento : *BOOM*

So today marks the third day without medication, and honestly, it really shows. Once I was past all the madness that is jumping around London trains and tubes, I was near rock bottom. Never again am I skipping staying up late, skipping breakfast, wandering around all day, WITHOUT me medicine! BUT thats not to say I'm starting to rely on it and makes excuses with it, just that I need to be responsible and shiz like that!

But anyway, as spring is approaching, I felt it's time to look forward to a new beginnings. New Year's isn't a new start, lets face it. We start January dressed like frenchmen, pissed off our faces and stuffed with pizza ... well I did anyway (and yes it was my best day at work ever)
I'll admit that in the past couple of weeks, I've been tieing up loose ends, cut off things that are bad for me, things get better and easier everyday.

So over the next fortnight, why not try to "air-out" your life in time for spring. But whilst you may walk away from emotional dead-weights, a shitty job or something that's a toxic influence, please make sure you make space for new things and people to barge into your life.

"Without breakdown and decay, there can be no rejuvanation"

Enjoy your weekend boys and girls ;) xxo

The Day of Improved Comfort

Days without pills: 2 (I'm so fecked!)

Hours slept : An "off and on" 8!!

They say that anything you get easily in life isn't worth having. I say that anything that came easily in life is a blessing, but can too easily be taken for granted.
I think we can all remember a time when everything was so much simpler, no stress, no worries ...yeah and nothing of real value. Yes, childhood was a sweet time, mainly because it involved eating a lot of sweets AND the power rangers were fucking awesome but there's NO WAY you can say it's better than now.

Think off all the seriously bad shit that has happened to you, say, since the start of high school. It sucks, exclusion, bullying, sickness, death, unemployment, homelessness, heartbreak. I'm sure we can can all tick a few of those boxes.
Made us better though, right?
Life keeps tripping us, and we keep getting up. Everytime we do we're smarter, funner, stronger, generally more bad-ass than we were before. Just like being sandwiched between Samuel.L.Jackson and Chuck Norris, and their awesomeness rubbed off on us.

So if you're down in the dumps, the weight of the world is upon you and you can't get over what you've lost. Deep down, no matter how much you don't wan't to admit it, you're going to be much, much better sooner or later.

"The pursuit of pleasure ultimately involves the suffering of pain"

I'll keep builing on this idea in the next couple of posts.
Will I be writing an excited, soppy, loved-up Valentine's post? If I can make it funny...

-Nev xx

The Day of Acclaim

Money blown on trains: Soooooo much!

Medication taken: None

Beds usurped: 1 (Take that Alex)

Firstly, let me apologize for not blogging yesterday, and that this blog is late by about an hour and half, but cut me some slack, I'm investing all my time and money getting all my friends buzzed, you never know, the next person could be you, or you ... OR YOU!!!

This is the first day where I've forgotten to take my meds (i've left them in Scotland, and I'm in London now) so I can't wait until I go slightly and rather entertainingly mad!

Anyway, keeping it brisk and extremely unpreachy tonight, just wanting to spread some down-to-earth advice and and take some pressure off your possibly stressed, un-massaged shoulders ( you poor souls)

"Acceptance and universal values are important, but so are washing the dishes and mopping the floor"

So goodnight, I'd kill for a cuddle!

- Nev xx

The Day of Precognition

Dishes washed: Sooooo many, few of which were mine!

Scary thing done today: Tried Call of Duty (I am not accepted back into the male population now apparantly)


Progress has been made today! I feel as though I'm slipping back into a sleeping pattern I had in my late teens. It involves a hectic weekend followed by a sunday night weere I sleep extremely patchily (normally in 30-45 minute bursts). It is how my fine Belfast-born-brethren would describe it as "fuckin' desperate like"

Though I feel like my Sundays will be like this for some time, I think it wil get slowly better as time goes on.

Now here's the "WTF moment" ; what do you think about precognition? Being able to sense a future event.

It's something, that on occassion, would happen with me during this particular sleep pattern. Normally, it's nothing overly serious, nothing on the scale you may have seen in "Heroes" though there has been the odd exception.
I remember pieceing together a dream in which;
a) I was removed early from an exam
b) My Dad would fall down in his work cafeteria, and
c) I was wandering around brightly lit corridors.

So upon waking, I told my Dad to be careful that day and figured I'd get in trouble during an exam for cheating or something.

I'm half-way through a Physics paper, which gets interrupted by "Would Nevin Officer immediately report to the school office?"
I'm told that my Dad has had a heart-attack and collapsed during lunch.

I would of course end up walking down many a white hallways, before I get to see my dad. Oddly joyful and telling us how people at work asked him' "You alright Colin?"
"Aye I'm grand," he'd reply. "Just a heart attack"

Needless to say me and my dad where a teensy bit freaked for a number of weeks.

But anywho, back to the juiciness. A blonde-haired, "Norn-Iron", female friend of mine is going to find a new boyfriend soon. I'm not spilling names because I don't want to jeopardise it happening, but if it happens, here is the recorded truth and I'll get this person to back it up!

Anyway, not long now kids, goodnight, sleep well and chew on this for supper;

"Though talents may be given, they need to be cultivated"

-Nev, xx

The Day Of Utopia

The day in brief: Tiny hangover
Mate made me pancakes
Brother's best mate made me dinner.
(I must have been a good boy)


Well I think congratulations are in order for everyone who kept me away from a computer last night, now the stories and embarrassing sentiment I spew was isolated to less than a dozen people and whatever strangers were (un)lucky enough to cross my path last night.

But anyway, Back to the blog!

So, what's your idea of the perfect world? Or better yet, your perfect life.
I was a very naive kid, the only plan I ever had was that I would get a job as soon as I could and save every penny until after university.
Now, what I planned to do with the money, if either hilarious, cute, silly or pathetic, depending entirely on your viewpoint. Unless you're one of those mix and match annoying bastards who will see a little of everything. Seriously, I'm kidding. I love you indecisive bastards
I figured when I was little, that by the time I was 22 I'd be ready to buy a place or use the money to get married. Yes, the value of a pound wasn't quiet apparrant to me at 11 years old, but still, I thought it was a solid plan.
So, I'm 22, the "perfect plan" was poorly conceived and became far less realistic as the years fell off the calender. So for the first time since I was 16, I'm single, not working and don't have a notion where to live.
The plan? Go travelling.
The problem? Hypothyroidism.
Current situation? Visiting everyone I've met who likes to party, only stopping for blood tests and teaching work.

Wasn't my plan, but fuck it, plan C it is!!

Once I've seen everybody and anybody who will let me crash on the sofa/floor in exchange for me boozing them up, I'm going to work my ass of on getting on a teaching course. Escape Norn Iron? Yes. Very much so.

After that?
I think I'm going to steal one of you for a week in the summer.
Everyone needs/wants that strange mate who takes them on holiday, right?

That's my plan.

Enjoy your quote of the day, and I hope I don't have to wait too long to see you.

"An ideal world can only be created by ideal people"

-Nev xxo

The Day of Popularity

ATM visits last night - 4

CLUBS/BARS visited - 4

Embarrassment level - Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinksy scandal



After reading my last blog, it would seem that my titles aren't always that appropriate, so I may be doomed tonight if this title is true.

So, hands up to anyone who's embarrassingly unaware of themselves, just me? Thought so.
No matter how well I think I've got it all figured out or know the answers, I go and make a total ass of myself and life serves me up a more than generous slice of humble pie ... it tastes like cheap cider.Which in turn means less preachy babble from me, and more actual documenting of things.

Today was a stuggle, out drinking (apparantly) to half 3, then stayed up doing silly drunk things until about 5, then waking at 7-ish to take my meds. An ideal start to the day eh?

It's been mood-swing city today, I haven't been the same person one hour to the next, hopefully I don't turn into a moody bugger. Anyway, going to go do what I did last night, times two , just more carefully. I've asked to be kept away from facebook when I get back, I hope that stick!

I'll leave you with my token quote;

"The mirror sees nothing - it only reflects"

You'll be see seeing and hearing from me,
Nev xx

The Day of Quiet Eloquence

I was meant to write this blog hours ago, but something came up. I arrived in Scotland, met one of my best mates and got verrrrrrry drunk.

But regardless, today counts as yesterday, I believe.

So, yes. Today I wished to talk about seizing opportuninties. (Please excuse my spelling, grammar and such, I VERY driunk)

For example, I was sitting on the boat this morning and approached to enter a raffle. I barely asked what it was for, instead asking "is it a quid?!!, it was , so rightly so, I handed ovr that little coin and got a number 5 raffle ticket ... an hour later I had won a big prize.

The moral of this story? Get involved. Being shy is not an excuse, I'm rather shy but I don't let it hold me back.

I've heard that " Getting a fire started can be much easier than extinguishing it"

I say, let the fire burn!!! I won't be held back by restrictiuons, this is my life, I'll forge it how I choose, I've been been called a "rather bold boy" in the past, I'm very comfortable with that, I even have a, saying/motto/lyric that decsribes my stance on such a manner and I'm not afraid to admit that it's slighltly egotistical;

"Just because my fire burns twice as bright, doesn't mean it burns out twice as fast... or AT ALL"



Life is NOT a spectator sport, get involved! Sure it maybe fun to giggle, laugh and judge, but do you join in as much as you should? I won a prize worth waaaaaaaay more than a quid, just because I figured "fuck it"

Promise me that tomoorow, you'll do something bold, please!!

I really do love you, I'd go mad is none of you were part of my life!!!

(Ridicoulsy bad blog, but I blame the Jagermesiter AND scotland!!!)

mwah mwah mwah!!! xo
-Nev

The Day of the Curveballer

To eschew tradition, I'm going to start with the advice that was thrown my way today, thrown. You get it? See it's the Day of the um Curveballer and ... yeah... I suck.

" Some thoughts are better kept to yourself. Work on yourself privately and get some things straightened out. Your eccentricities are charming but can also irritate people at times. Learn to laugh at yourself, occasionally."

Well, I have the laughing at myself part nailed down, but keeping stuff to myself, yep I'm shit at that. Don't get me wrong, if I'm trusted with someone else's secret I keep it tighter than Miley Cyrus's chastity guarded my dinosaur-riding Chuck Norris clones. But personally, I tell most people, most things about me.

I think I'm really up-front about things, and luckily for me, it hasn't scared people off, odds are, when I met you (yes you, dear, sweet, beautiful,possibly non-existent reader) I probably hugged you rather than shook your hand, said something quirky to make you laugh, or of course; "so, what can I get you and your friends?"

So perhaps less blogging? Less sharing? More secretive? Eek! I'll constantly have that little bit of saliva on my lip that means I know something juicy.

"Once the ball is in the air, almost anything can happen"

I think I've thrown it and not fully realised.

Hopefully be with you soon, Nev XoxO

The Day of Exacting Realism

Craving: General Indulgence!!

Listening to: http://www.last.fm/music/Dashboard+Confessional/_/Again+I+Go+Unnoticed


If you've noticed so far, since the start of February, each post is titled "The Day of" . These are lifted from a huge book that I've had for years called "The Secret Language of Birthdays" . It's a book heavily focused on astrology, personology, tarot and the characters of many famous, influencial or note-worthy people.

This is where I expect you to chip in and say;
"Nev. We, Don't. Give. A Fuck." "We just want to hear about you going mad with stress, make silly jokes and generally be an emotional mess ... you know, the usual you."

I agree, but just give me a sec to explain this. I was always a terribly shy person. I tended towards staying in the background, even when that wasn't the natural place I should have been. I don't think I began to be comfortable in my own skin (whilst sober) until sixth year.
It was books like these that made me so interested in personality types, and dared me to take a step out of the shadow and have a "wild-side".
Yes I became the booze-hound, the dancing fiend, the streaker and the performer; the whole while screaming inside like a first-timer on a rollercoaster.

Today, I'm struggling. I'm anxious and doubting myself. It's not very attractive! It's like my past is haunting me again.

So since there's nobody here to talk to, I turn once again to this treasure chest of a book, fortunately every day has a little advice section;

"Hang in there. Try to hold up your end of the deal and don't cut out so easily. A few rules never hurt anybody. Don't be frightened of feelings. We all have to face responsibilities sooner or later"

The mediatation is just as good;
"Non-attachment is a good thing, but no-one can become attached to that as well"

I'm VERY tired of my one-man wolf pack :P

(This is definitelyme being in the "I need a hug" mood)

Until tomorrow peeps!
Love, Nevin xo

The Day of Class

Curently listening to: Foo Fighters
http://www.last.fm/music/Foo+Fighters/_/Walking+After+You

or

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2oTmdZ-Q7g

Craving: M&Ms, cream eggs, white chocolate cookies
"The simplest tastes are often the most elegant"

Mood: Lonely ... is that a mood?

I wrote before that I've been sleeping alot better. I normally get about six hours of undisturbed sleep, which is fantastic, but of course I've hit a snag. Last night I had one big long BAD dream. Not a nightmare per se, there were no monsters or murderers, death/blood/destruction etc. Just a big morale-sapping dream, like I was telling myself, "you can't do this OR that", "what will x think..." and so on. So I've alot of doubt in my mind right now, anxiety has crept back in, I don't know if that's the remaining pang of a "chemical imbalance" or an actual warning sign to myself, only the next week or so will tell.

This is probably my most downbeat blog, I'll make sure I remember this as a low point, hopefully I'll get to prove it wrong tomorrow after a better night. Anyways, I shant depress you anymore. Hopefully a happier Nev tomorrow!

Mwah! xox

The Day Of Willfulness

Febuary 1st : The Day Of Willfulness

Dosage: 50mg

Guitars tuned:1
Keyboards ignored:1
Drum Kits bashed at:1

Valentine's day-o-meter: Giddy (yet I'm single, figure that one out!)


It's the first of Febuary, and I'll be the first to admit it, I'm panicked! I had the easiest January of my life, no exams, totally unemployed for the first time in my life, I could do whatever I wanted! But now the year has officially begun and I've got more jitters than Michael.J.Fox left out in the snow.
Firstly, my uni options. I can't think of a fourth Uni to go to in England, but if I take Scotland into consideration then I feel spoilt for choice!!
Then there's the "getting a job" bit. I've worked since I was 16, and at times I've had two jobs. But after having nothing for a month, I'm at a loss to what I want to do! I've done my time serving drinks, making coffee, cooking pizza's etc. I even had my dream job of working in a cmic-store. Where do you see me next? Hollister? I'm sorry I don't have the jaw-line or the over-inflated god-complex to work there. I'm damn sure my personality would get in the way too!

Anyway, if you're curious about med-related stuff, I've found that having a good feed does to me, what a Johnny Depp film, a warm blankie and lots of Chocolates does to a lady on a quiet night; gives me a buzz and a warm tingling sensation... but I shant assume anymore or go into details *cough*

Anyway, hope you're all well and had a good start to your week, I'llleave you with a quote before my virtual hug and kiss.

"The mind not only comes with a personal computer, but also a modem for connecting with the rest of the Universe"

Mediate on that friends ...(you hippie bastards)

Much lovage - Nev Nev Nev xo

Easy Like Sunday Morning

There's how I'm going to keep myself busy during this experimental dosage period. Pictures say thousands of (painful) words.
I had the most borrrrrrrrrrring Saturday night, evar. I would have killed for a pint, a jagerbomb and a chat and a dance with a stranger, but no, early night for Nev(in)
Early night?! You say
Yep.
*Masses of confused looks and whispers of "Nev only sleeps 4 hours a night"*
It's true, I jumped into bed just after midnight, lay back, and yes there were the normal, "what ifs?" "why nots?" and "maybe if I's" running through my head, but pretty soon after, I passed the f$ck out!
When I woke up, I grabbed Clocky (more on him later) and it was several minutes to six. Holy crap.
Woke up fresh as a daisy, didn't tussle around, didn't cuddle my other pillow, just woke up, fresh as Will Smith himself.

But anywho Sunday was spent trying to organise my little 3 week adventure, I know now that on Friday I'll be in Scotland for 5-ish days, then Nottingham/London for 4 days, then I make it up as I go along!


NEW Albums
Contra- Vampire Weekend : 7.6/10
Hold me down - You me at six : 6.6/10
The Betrayed - Lostprophets : 7.2/10

So I hope you all free from the Clutches of January Blues, I even started a positivity enhancing facbook page;

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/pages/Thinking-something-isnt-going-to-happen-but-working-your-way-around-it/316646946056?ref=mf

I don't know what might be making you stressed, maybe an interview, perhaps a workload, an illness, the ever present "why won't that boy/girl notice me?!" that comes along with Febuary. But just shake it off kids! Things are thrown our way EVERY day, and we think that life is a bastard for doing it.
So, think about a difficulty that came up in your life, maybe recently or a few years ago. Then you would've been preaching despair, but I reckon now, because of it, you're in a much better position. It's a new year, feels free to air out your life a little! If something or someone is no good for you and you tryed to make it work, leave it were it lays, move on, head high.

Well after all that guff, I'm gonna say turrah and leave you with a quote that's often associated with my birthday;

"Maybe there are no accidents"

-Nev xo