Just To Say

I'm chowing on a cheese-toastie, PB on toast and raspberries. - Just did a weights session and you gotta hit the protein FAST!!

Blood tests tomorrow, lots and lots of Bloodtests! Let's hope my numbers are good so I can get silly over the next few weeks!!

If I know ya', I'm lookin out for ya'

(Yeah I talk all gangsta and shit now!)

- Nevin xxo

Ahh!

Hair ... pretty please, GERMINATE!!!

The Day of the Observer

Quick album review;
Kids in Glass Houses : Dirt - 7.7/10

Is it pop-punk or Indie rock? Somehow they cover all the bases. It's the perfect album for parties or getting ready to go out, I'm absolutly loving it. It even has guest vocals from New Found Glory and Frankie from The Saturdays - AWESOME!!!

The Post!

I'll start oddly with my Meditation-quote-deelio;

"My responsibility for the world begins and ends with Myself"

I'm an observer, a curious dude, I throw big questions around, I'm a self professed "fixer"

Maybe I've been doing things wrong. Reading back on my posts, I sometimes think, "Am I being Dogmatic, am I imposing my beliefs on the reader?
Too dramatic?
A bit lofty?
I haven't a clue.

So I might take a break until I get other opinions, maybe I'll change the format.

Perhaps I'm just knackerd
Weight lifting + drumming + jogging + singing = Worn out Nev

Ciao for now
-Nevin xxo

The Day of Innocence

Before you take a gander, be sure to have a little look over my post "The Day of Integrity" (posted two days ago) I already started talking on this topic.

I would say there is the general consensus that innocence is slowly eroded with every passing year and every action we take. I already mentioned the particular things that are associated with this loss, so I wont spend time mentioning them again, only that we seem to have a scale of "OMG my innocence has just been fucked up!"

Then there's the idea that if we hadn't done this, read that, googled blue waffle, we'd be divine creatures, once more like our babby-counterparts. (Intentional spelling of "baby"!!)
So yeah a bit of mind-wiping a la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, yes?

Of course it doesn't exist yet;
"Targeted memory erasure is a fictional non-surgical procedure. Its purpose is the focused erasure of memories, particularly unwanted and painful memories"

Though we're not without our own cure;
"...it is a mild form of brain damage comparable to a "night of heavy drinking."

So in turn, I drink because I want to be more innocent?

No.

I have done bad things.
I've made mistakes.
I have regrets.
I have my faults.

I'm still innocent.
Odds are you are too.

So who's up for a little corruption? eh? funny? Yes? No. You're right, never.

But if you still feel like you've made yourself shut something or someone off, you feel hurt or damaged or generally "bad",just think about this. It may be bleak, but it quickly pushes you through a few steps in one sentence.

"Most depression is only anger - most anger, fear"



As for me. I'm gonna get back to making Easter goodies for my mates.

You know where to reach me, Facebook and 02 pay me now!
-Nev XoxO

The Day of the Originator

I often tried to keep my head above water, by making sure there was less of it.

What I mean is I could cut things away to keep my mind clear.
(Please refrain from you're an emo or "are you a "cutter"?" jokes please.)

So my bedroom, would consist of a bed, drawers and wardrobe. That's it. Okay obligatory drum kit, sheesh! You could say I was an easily distracted chap.
What is it about us? We tend to have exams and coursework and such every year, and it's important to a degree. But we'll do anything else to avoid it. Are we meant to sabotage ourselves in this way, do we not want to move forward? Counting the indentations on a radiator to avoid writing an essay - done it!

Then we struggle to manage our time. Some how we have to squeeze hours of school/uni in between work, being with your friends or other half and no doubt have some other commitment. I don't know about you, but I'd like a teensy bit of "me" time in between those things.

Though maybe it'd be best if I didn't. If I just jumped from place to place everyday, with a constantly changing cast of characters in my life,maybe it'd be funner, give me a buzz, some more energy. Maybe it'd wear me out enough so I could count less sheep.

So, why not open Pandora's box. Enjoy the chaos of your life. You might miss it when your adventures start to end.

"The secret to concentration is the acceptance of endless distractions"

- Nevin, Nev, Mr.Officer, Weirdy Beardy and so many more
xxo

The Day of Integrity

This day is said to be one where people manifest the innocence, spontaneity and candor of a child.

Alright everybody, throw your hands up if you've done something naughty. Right, that's all of you then.
Now before we talk innocence I want you to throw away all the notions you have to suggest you're not.
I don't care how much you drink, how many kinds of drugs you do, what impressive bedroom antics you've got up to or how much five-fingered discount you've amassed.
Odds are, there is still a good deal of innocence left in you. Think of every time you play with a little sibling. Or whenever you do something nice for a stranger.
Love and kindness are born from innocence.

I think I'm having a surge of it today as well. I can't stop blushing! Every time someone says something nice to be in work today or throw me a smile, my cheeks light up like I've downed six pints and spent an hour freaking out on the dance floor.
Maybe it's my good friend levothyroxine. Mixing around with the hormones are you? Well ... fair-play!

Spontaneity? Well, no more than usual from me. If something good comes on in work, I will start doing the robot, then a moon-walk then a "running man". Can't help it.
Parents out of the house?
Singing at the top of my fudging lungs.

I don't ever want to know the opposite word to spontaneity!

Last but not least, candor. Frankness for those who had to look it up. (Me) Well. I just tell it like it is, don't I?

"That all things do indeed pass is revealed when a child's sadness gives way to laughter"

- Nevin
xxo

The Day of Dynamism

I had a slight blogging fit yesterday, resulting in me posting two sets of lyrics (though appropriate) and a short "thought-blast" I was going to do a fourth but felt that now would be better.

Don't we do a lot of jumping around in our lives, not star jumps and the like (though naked leap-frog is my personal favourite) but in playing so many characters.

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,"

The point I was trying to get across yesterday was simply about my blog, when I read it it sounds like me but it's not entirely.

This is my blog voice, it is different from my friend voice, which is different from my brother voice, and so on ...


We do it seamlessly, and totally without being two-faced, I know today I'll be at least four slightly different people. Five if you count "Blog-Nev"

Maybe it's a little sad that some friends and my family won't get to see the whole picture (Jonah excluded, I have said some experiences and words with that guy!)

But really, I see whoring out your thoughts and feelings like whoring out your body - sure it may be fun for a time, but I'd much rather share everything with just one.

An open book ... just some of the best pages are missing.

Meditate;
"Males wear the makeup in the animal kingdom"

- Blog-Nev
xxo

In a Manner Of Sleep

We need a spark not another dead match
FIND THE WILL TO KEEP IT BURNING!

The Day of Beguiling Simplicity

I won't be ironic today.

Even though I've known for a long time that over-thinking things or jumping the gun is bad for me, I still do it.

Today, I just want to sit back back with a clear head, forgetting what neuroticism even means.

"The greatest gift that one can give to another is to reveal oneself"

-Nevin
xxo

Misguided Ghosts

I am going away for a while
But I'll be back, don't try and follow me
'Cause I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes

And run
From them, from them
With no direction
We'll run from them, from them
With no conviction

'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don't need no roads
In fact they follow me

And we just go in circles

Well Now I'm told that this is life
And pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it
Would someone care to classify,
Of broken hearts and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on

And run
To them, to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not, Useless
We are just

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one road
We should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me

They echo me in circles

The Day of Curiosity

Notable changes due to Levothyroxine - Better sleep. Hairier forearms?!

Curiosity killed the cat. I'm not sure where that poor puddytat is now though...or how he died.
Maybe he's really old road-kill.

The point is that there is only a certain degree where we can poke our noses in without getting spat at or poked in the eye.
In the metaphorical sense of course.
Unless you're into that sort of thing.
I personally am fine with a bit of rough-housing.

But I digress, we love a bit of gossip, myself included. It's not a bad thing, just need to be sure when we over-step our boundaries.
Note to self - other people's lives are NOT a window into some sort of soap.

Except mine, maybe, since I advertise to the world. I'm very cool with that.

"Within the microcosm and the macrocosm there are worlds in their own time and space"

Man, I need to start choosing better quotes, they'd probably be too soppy though ... ah well.

-Nevin
xxo

The Day of Direct Current

Today was the day I implemented my "turning over a new leaf" phase. I'm not saying my leaf or the side it's on right now was bad ... just that ... I've lost my way with this metaphor already!

But I curiously enough this morning did a wee count of how many pills I've taken.
18 of 100mg. This means that (hopefully) I am six weeks away from a "reboot" (see earlier posts)

So, I patiently, slowly and surely continue on with my work. I tell you, I am seriously craving a burger or fish and chips or something fried and swimming in grease.
But, I've been a good boy today. You know those days were you just CAN'T STOP eating or drinking the same thing over and over. Well it seems today I have something of a smoothie fetish. Throwing together blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, a banana and some vanilla yogurt.

It has seriously been a while since something that good has made love to my throat! Oh wait ... that's gonna sound like I'm gay. Ummmmmm

It has seriously been a while since something that good has been fucking hardcore and manly, my blender is metal as fuck and my smoothie composition is the shit!!

So, yeah, maybe a teensy bit hyper today ... but you need to try this smoothie!!

Another new thing today was weight training. I'm built like an elf; the only time I would say my body was in amazing shape was age 16/17, right before my thyroid decided to be a lazy gland.
Weights are nice change of pace for me, I was the typical tall guy runner/swimmer, a change is good for me.

Something I can't seem to get my arse in to gear is brushing up on my music skillz. I'll lazily bash away at a drum kit, not learning anything new, or make make noises on my keyboard without knowing how to play the thing at a decent standard.
I must have "lazy-lead singer-itis"

But that's okay. I'm going easy on my self. I'm getting too worked up on trying to make stuff happen, when really sometimes, I should realise that it's alright to just let things happen by themselves.


"Love involves respect for the time and space of all living things"

Thanks for your comments, messages, calls, texts and thoughts.
I fucking love you!
-Nev xxo

The Day of Clarity

Do you remember I wrote a while ago about the day after being drunk? That I had a nice juicy injection of perspective.
Well, I've been at that for four days in a row. What have I learned?

Drinking buddies are hard to come by,
Warm beer/cider gets drank faster, and
Buckfast-based cocktails are rather tasty.

But you can only do this for so long before you figure out the best way to feel better about yourself.
(Though I still heavily advocate a night of getting smashed and making spectacular shapes with your friends [sometimes strangers], getting covered in foam and later trying to hail a taxi as you walk all the way home)

I think that when we (yes my hand is especially up) set ourselves goals, perhaps Lent, we throw on the unnecessary pressure. Why don't we set goals we want to do? That we should have fun with? Realise we'll be better once we've accomplished. Most importantly, we shouldn't win all the time. The struggle just makes it that more interesting.

Today is the first day of Spring, so I though now would be best for something fresh and new.
Even if it is just an idea.

"The simplest melodies are the hardest to play"

- Nevin
xxo

The Day of the Labyrinth

ADVICE

Your emotions can destructive. Keep calm and in touch with your center. Direct your energies toward realistic goals. Observe your living.

Loving the babble from this book today, and I'll say ; check, check, check and check to all of the above. I'll go a step further and translate it into a language that is far more pleasing to my ears.

" Dude, like, chill the fuck out, yeah? Sweet!"

See, now I know, why I'm really stressed out. It became apparent this morning. I woke up at five, and this thing is haunting me. I'm addicted to it. If I could wipe it from my past I would. It holds me back, pins me down. But I can't tell anyone about it.

I make a large portion of my life visible to people. You go on my facebook, I have it pretty well fleshed out. This blog here is a window into my day-to-day. I don't mind sharing, I like sharing. Love it. But that is something only I can really fix, and hopefully soon before it hurts me.

My temporary solution.
My answer to most things?
Lets go dance and a have a wee drink eh?

Meditate;
"We create nothing, express nothing; we only discover or uncover what is already there"

I'll be at Laverys,
hopefully I'll see one of your might pretty faces real soon!

- Nevin xxo

The Day Of Dogged Persistance

Yesterday, I was not feeling very well. I perhaps have become a bit restless waiting around for University interviews. Impatient is a word that wouldn't even begin to describe what I was.

Now is a time of sticking to my guns. Keep the goal in sight and pursue it tirelessly.

That is what I wrote when I was sober. I am, for the third night in a row, drunk.
Not because, I drink as a pass-time,it just so happens that this week is one of those weeks where I get invited out a lot!!!
But really, I was VERY anxious yesterday because in a sense, the news I'm waitin' on largely determines what I'm doing for a year of my life. It's not something I fret about lightly.
Another reason I may have bottled up all the tension and let it out in some angsty publication is because... I don't have any other way to release it. Who do I talk to about things like this?
It's one of those times of the year, of my life, that I too often spend alone. Where no-one is in the same boat, the same limbo.

Ahh well. It's the booze maybe talkin' tonight. I'm slowly picking myself up. Always got to try and make a good go at this.

"All Life is Sacred"

-Nevin
xxo

The Day of Return

The entire world works in a beautifully monotonous cycle. We take our cue from the earth. It relentlessly spins, while clocks turn and people are born the very instant another dies.

It's this tiring cycle we try to break everyday in a search for any vigour left within ourselves.

This is a day where I particularly feel like though I've worked and pushed and tried to get things going. I'm back at square one.
"Oh so I pass these exams, now what?"
"Well now you can do more"
"And then..."
"Then you can go away to university"
"Where I'll be able to..."
"Take more exams"
"But when I'll graduate..."
"You'll probably be no better off than someone who didn't go."

Fantastic isn't it? And if your professional life leaves you feeling rather cheated, what about your personal life?
Your friends get scattered all over the place, you're unable to make the same time for each other because everybody is running the same rat race, endlessly running in their hamster wheels for that treat they're never going to get.
So really it's no wonder we're known to be a disillusioned generation. We're fed the notions that we'll reap what we sow, if we take our chance our dreams will all come true. We'll work jobs that pay well and don't cut into our personal lives, and gosh-darnit we'll just jump out of bed in the morning to go there!

And if this little slice of rhetoric seems highly out of character it's maybe because I can't even seem to scrape at the basics of a 22 year old lad like myself.

Maybe tomorrow.

"Completion often signals a new beginning"

You can find me with all the conventional methods at all the hip places.
- Nevin Officer xxo

The Day of the Aerialist

I've noticed that I have broken into a routine that fits in with another particular group; the young mums.

So basically when I'm out shopping in Ballyclare, it's me, shop-keepers, mums and little peeps.
I'm not complaining either, all these babies and toddlers have an AWESOME sense of humour.

Regardless of such an observation, my mission was to acquire a bottle of the finest Jagermeister for myself and all in my company tomorrow, a big-ass bottle of whiskey for the brother and to indulge my love of dress-up and silliness, I needed some face paint to support our team tomorrow.

Yes, at long last the big day is upon us. A day of having a nice eclectic mix of people, all under the B.R.A. flag, shouting our arse off before diving head-first in St.Patrick's Day festivity.

Keeping it simple tonight, like a diary log or something. No big message, just wishing all the best to the lads, and lets have a day to remember.

- Nevin
xxo

(P.s Today's quote has pretty much nothing to do with anything but I'll put it here for the sake of tradition)

"Flowers and butterflies are delicate but also surprisingly strong"

The Day of the Heights

You know the drill by now. When not doing the things a good son, brother, grandson or friend does, I often have a lot of time leftover with me myself and I.

So I consulted the big book - you should know the one by now!

ADVICE

"Though you may not be satisfied with your position, learn to enjoy yourself where you are. Beware of your power drives; remain unselfish. Kindness and generosity will repay you many times over. Give up unconscious contracts with your parents."

Well played book. Very well played. I'm not really having a ball in this position. I've been living with my folks for approximately 6 months and to be rather blunt, I'm going frickin' crazy. I didn't think I'd be here this long (remember me wanted to go get into adventures around the world from January) but I'm still gonna be here up until summer methinks. It's not the natural order of things, you fly the nest and don't come back, that's how it works. I love them, but I don't this is healthy even! But there's no fixing it, I'm not moving until I know the uni situation!

"Remain unselfish" - My Dad has often been telling me for years that I'm too selfless, that people would abuse kindness and use me as a stepping stone. Only time will tell with this one, but I'm gonna take this advice.

"Kindness and generosity..." Something I've noticed kinda recently, maybe in the past year or so. Is that not only are people very shocked by kindness, but they're suspicious of it. It's something that's really upset me, but godammit I'm gonna continue making people suspicious! :P

What else did I get up to today? Well ALL of the university stuff is now in motion, It's in the hands of my referees now. I'm going to attempt some sort of positive voodoo by casting spells on a Strathclyde hoodie I've ordered, sounds like something I'd do.
Of course with the stress of all that I had to wind-down, so I've been recording and singing my little heart out, expect covers of such songs to be slapped all over facebook in the near future.

Can't wait for tomorrow, gonna buy some paints, make some banners, get the booze, you know the score!

I'll leave you with this rather chirpy quote, enjoy, get it tattoo'd pass it on.

"The perfect marriage of pleasure and pain can be found in the realm of love"

We're getting closer now.
- Nevin xxo

(p.s I got an answer to yesterday's question)

The Day of Relativity

Cider drank: A river supposedly

Times mind blown: Twice

Mummies visited: Three

As much as I love a good party; music blaring at me, bad dancing, people disappearing into darkened corners and the obligatory excess of cider. I, rather oddly treasure the whole next day.

Memories flood back gradually and constantly. You laugh at the texts you may have sent, wonder why you aren't wearing exactly what you arrived in, and of course drunken honesty you can never quiet take back.

It's days like today where I have the best perspective. I wake up and yes, my head is sore, my tum is wondering "WHY?!" but everything seems very clear. I'm always happy, hopeful and oddly productive. This isn't the easiest thing to achieve when I'm stuck in Uni-limbo!

Do you ever think about what part you play at the party? Do you feed everyone? Are you doing the rolling? Crying in the corner? Being sick? Occupying a bedroom?
Like I said you're maybe never more honest than you are when drunk. Perhaps it's a good exercise in figuring out what jigsaw piece you are in the group-puzzle.

"We are at once the same-and worlds apart"

I'm going to go jam, in an attempt to tire myself out so I might fall asleep.
Night night ♥
- Nevin

p.s I hear it was national steak and blowjob day ... is there a chocolate and cunnilingus day?

The Day of Fateful Prediction

Something that often keeps me up at night (and invariably gives me a slow start in the morning) is wondering what if?

You often see facebook groups called "I play out scenarios in my head" or "I play out conversations in my head" and I have to say I'm very guilty of both. But ultimately I always come to the same conclusion;

"That's not how it is, it didn't work out that way"

I give myself an answer and I console myself. All that shit happened and it makes what's about to happen soooooo worth it. The "god works in mysterious ways" arguement if you will.

To be continued, (I'm mid cider and party)

Nevin
xxo

The Day of the Great Leap

So I'm in a similar position as last night. I have both references now and I'm just waiting on details.
I've even made my preferences with my choices.

*DRUM ROLL PLEASE*

And the winner goes to.............................................

STRATHCLYDE!!!

It was at the end of the day a no-brainer, it's got an awesome rep for teacher-training. If you had seen what I did to try and get to Glasgow in first year, you'd be surprised that I had any dignity left.
I apparantly have enough left to get on stage and strip naked for an auditorium full of students. Nice.

I'm often in Scotland, seemingly going anywhere but Glasgow, I have a big goofy grin on arrival, and an equally big ( but a lot less goofy, no-one likes a sad clown) frown on departure.

Even if I don't get into Uni this year (lets hope that isn't the case!) I'm damn sure I'll move to Glasgow, get into adventures and shit!

The other thing that has been MIGHTY tempting today is to start a band. I even registered with a musician seeking/wanted website, and I've found a couple of people who seem cool. Oooooh what ever will I do. Like most bands I've been in, it'll probably only last 6 months, in-fighting will occur between the original members whilst the "new guy" (me) slinks away before he has smack the asshole lead guitarist.
Still, sounds like fun!

"Caution should not be mistaken for cowardice"

Well kids have a good weekend, house party for me tomorrow night. If you don't want pestered by a drunk tomorrow say so now.

- Nevin
xxo

The Day of Progressive Intuition

I'm pretty much hours away from sending off my application, I just have to secure my second reference and that will be that. This is the scariest part for me. The waiting period. I'm absolutely fine with interviews, I largely know what to expect and can handle that kind of pressure.

I think in my mind, I've already packed my bags. I know in my head where I want to be most of all, and I can picture myself being quiet the happy chappy there. The first time I left for Uni, I had those pangs of guilt. Like you had just used your parents for 18 years and were away off to drink away "free money" whilst occasionally sticking your head in a book ... though in my case, I often used it as a pillow during lectures.

(Seriously, my complete works of Shakespeare book is frickin' comfy!!)

I'm very content with flying the nest, my parents still have Reuben after all. (Imaginary younger brother, general lazy bastard ... it's a long story)

So of course, the question on my mind is : what the fudge am I going to bring? Well as it turns out, I don't have that much stuff. Somewhere along the line I got sensible with possessions. Yes I have the usual books/cds/dvds but beyond that there's not much else, a few dumbbells and musical instruments ... I wonder if my drum kit will fit in the car, I'm sure that'd score me some cool points;

"Here come look at this! This Irish lad has a drum kit instead of a wardrobe AND a keyboard instead of a desk!"

It's not so much that I'm tight with money, if you've been out with me you know I don't like to see an empty hand or a dry mouth in my company ... wait ... that sounded kinda dirty. I like it. The double entendre stays!
I just think I'm REALLY crap at spending money on myself, and with a £6000 bursary hopefully coming my way in September, perhaps that's a habit I should get out of!

Since I may collapse at any second I shall leave you with these words and this thought;

"Imagine having to carry everything you own"

First and second round is on me.
-Nevin xxo

The Day of the Soul Searchers

Do you ever wonder what state your soul is in? For those of you who may be "non-religious" or of no faith, I extend my meaning of soul to encompass spirit, psyche and so forth.

I wrote a few days ago, about physical appearance and the lengths we go to preserve our looks OR not as it may be. Do you often think about your soul? Perhaps if we can equate soul to the sum of all thought and personality, how high in regard to you hold it?

Let's look at saaaaaay Paris Hilton. What has she achieved? She filmed herself havin' a good ole' time with her fella. Twice. I guess some might find her attractive ... if you're a fan of the skeletal Barbie doll, who am I to judge? But she sure as hell hasn't developed herself as a person.

When "soul-searching" as it were, I think really all we do is ask a ton of questions, look for the answers for a long time but generally don't find an answer. But nevertheless we searched. That's what I think the soul really is. A person's intangible will, grace, hope, faith and all other virtues that sound dangerously like I'm naming past tv shows.

I'd say many of these blogs have been soul-searching ones. I often don't provide many answers, but I sure as hell explore every corner.

That's my lot for tonight, my head is pickled over Universities and such. Lets pray I get it right and end up in Glasgow this time eh?

-Nevin
xxo

(Sillily excited that it's one week to the school's cup final and St.Patrick's day - I'm gonna be sooooo drunk!!! :D )

The Day of the Space Voyager

I thought tonight we'd take a little journey. One where we travel through my bloodstream and explain how things work for me ... or rather how they don't!

This blog's original aim was to be one part journal and one part detailling my reaction to levothyroxine. Somewhere along the line I've used it to discuss life in general.
So I figured this should be a good time to explain what hypothyroidism does, and what it is.

Hypothyroidism means that the thyroid gland does not make enough thyroxine. It is often called an under active thyroid. This causes many of the body's functions to slow down.

Thyroxine is a hormone (body chemical) made by the thyroid gland in the neck. It is carried round the body in the bloodstream. It helps to keep the body's functions (the metabolism) working at the correct pace. Many cells and tissues in the body need thyroxine to keep them going correctly.

Many symptoms can be caused by a low level of thyroxine. Basically, everything 'slows down'. Not all symptoms develop in all cases.
Personally one of the most serious effects in my case is the extremely high cholesterol. Think of the blood in your body transporting everything you need to be healthy and full functioning. Mine just so happens to be clogged up with garbage. No fun for me!
I never guessed that I had this condition, my symptoms came on separately and gradually since I was seventeen. In that time I've experienced;

Poor muscle tone
Fatigue
Depression
Muscle cramps
Thinning hair and hair loss
Paleness
Insomnia

I always just brushed it off with some excuse I told myself.

Insomnia at 17? "My parents have weird sleeping patterns"
Hair falling out in clumps at 19? "Must be Uni stress"
Tired and sore. "Man I must've killed it at the gym today!"
Paleness? To be fair, I haven't had a sunny holiday since I was 16!
Depression? "Everybody hurts... sometimes...!!!" :P

The great thing is that I think I manged to sail through those years pretty well. I've always been an exuberant, happy-go-lucky kinda dude. I always worked around those things in a silly way. When you only sleep four hours a night it makes you an extremely useful person to know, and rather awesome at parties!!!
For the past month or so and for the next month or two, I'm living what my doctor and I call a "restricted lifestyle" you name, if its fun, I probably am not allowed to do it... except I am allowed to drink - nice!
But as long as my dosage stay steady, these ailments will be a thing of the past. First thing I'm going to do is grow my hair back and rock a proper "emo" haircut, then I can't wait for my holiday in the south of France , mmmmmmm sun!

This has been an oddly self-indulgent post, but it's not bad to take time and study yourself a little bit!

"The most interesting person you ever meet in your life may be yourself"

Goodnight all, since today's blog has been about the body, and I already spoke about the heart, I guess tomorrow will be the soul!

- Nevin xxo
(even though those are cyber hugs and kiss, I would totally be cuddling you right now and plant a few wet ones on ya!)

The Day of Nonconformity

This day has been quiet a dolly mixture. Not only was there an absence of that lethargic struggle to get out of bed... the day outside was magnificently beautiful, sure I didn't do anything terribly exciting, cleaned my house, did a few rounds of laundry and jammed for a bit; the usual.
The middle of the day dragged terribly, I can't seem to go 24 hours without talking to somebody. It used to be the case that I functioned well as a hermit, and when out about I was the life and the soul. Now it seems that me being lonely finally equates to me being lonely.
Now the last third of the day is where the HUGE SMACK in the face occurs. I'm on the gttr website (applications for prospective teachers) and notice that a hell of a lot of universities have no vacancies.
This puzzles me, as there is no set deadline for applications for students wishing to teach at secondary level. So out goes Aberdeen, Glasgow, Newcastle and Northumbria. I had made such amazing friends who attend these universities and now I'm feelin' a little sorry for myself, and slightly foolish too.

I believe I was the guy who ranted about seizing the day and not hesitating. Seems Ironic that I didn't have my application finalised as soon as I got home from my trip.

All is not lost however. Manchester remains as an option, was one of my original choices and one of my best mates live there.

Strathclyde, a university very well renowned for its teaching course is available. It just so happens to be in Glasgow, a city I LUUUURRRRRRRRRRVE!

Exeter is another choice, I've been there for a rather sweet weekend, and have a couple of buddies there.

Finally York, a place I originally applied for after grammar school.

To think I was worried about what to write about today! Well I'm a rather stressed monkey right now so I'm gonna head off. If you happen to go to one of these fine institutions, please give me the buzz and a general "low-down" of what it's like!

"The power is there - we only have to plug into it"

I'll speak to you all soon hopefully!
- Nev xxo

tHE dAY OF aBSTRACT sTRUCTURE

I happened to wake up this morning in an unfamiliar house, on a familiar sofa, wrapped up like baby Jesus with a half full bottle of Morgan's beside me. There goes me saving myself for St.Paddys/School's cup final. I have only Ben Wilson to thank for this.

However I couldn't spend any time lingering around, basking in the tipsy memories of the previous night or the rather lovely dream I had, no no, I've got to make my escape home and get some all-new and improved Levothyroxine (now in Belgium chocolate flavour) and breakfast.
One that was accomplished, I basked in life's little pleasure of standing in the shower 10 minutes longer than usual; they're like vertical wet beds right? Mmmmmm
This of course is followed by my "just out of the shower dance". This can be a rather frantic exercise on a floor towel that is one part tribal dance, one part boogie and one part mosh. If there is one part of my day where I am guaranteed to be happy, this is it.

Upon returning to my room, I'm feeling rather motivated ( as I oddly am after drinking) do I try and write/record some tunes OR will I do some weights. Both seemed fun, I could do both before dinner.

Oh no. *RING RING* "Yes, I'll cover your shift"

So my plans went right out the window, my day didn't quite come together as I'd planned. And for some reason,perhaps because of last night's dream I would actually love a bottle of champagne and some strawberries!

"Following our dreams can lead us to freedom or imprisonment"

Many apologies for those wanting more in-depth high brow discussion. But at least now you know I have a shower dance.

Anyway;
Sleep, perchance to dream...

-Nev xxo

The Day of the Beauty Lovers

As the title suggests, I'll be attacking the issues of beauty and love and what they mean in our generation. Whereas before I have a tendency to be playful and cute with my language, this is a topic that demands closer attention and respect ... so expect all the attempts at humour near the end ;)

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder they say, and they're damn right. You've probably done the same thing as myself and my mates - the hot or not game, marry/snog/avoid etc. And I bet a lot of the time you disagreed with your mate's opinions and at best agreed when neither of you were that fussed. I'm particularly bad at it when I'm out with a lot of girl mates - I'm pretty crap at pickin' out guys who I think they might find attractive.
I guess that's a good thing, yes?

Yet there seems to be no tried and tested formula for beauty, and thank god for it. Imagine if it was something you could quantify, it would me a hell of a scramble when people pair off. (Think school disco with 20/30 year old and more fighting)
Then there's your mates other halves, boy is that a tricky one! What do you do when asked "what do you think?" after seeing a picture.
You should neither reply "eugggghhhhhhhhh!!! OH GOD MY EYYYYYYYYESSSSSS!

NOR

"Dude, your lady is friggin' smokin' ... she got a sister?"

What is the level of importance you attribute to beauty also? The perennial looks vs personality debate is one that will rage on forever. You may think that good looks are the clincher because obviously that's what we see first, rather sadly, a well-filled-in personality profile doesn't hover above people's heads when your out and about. Damn.
There are the personality supporters who argue that a solid first impression easily trumps how "fit" they may be. That beauty wanes and fades, whilst a character can endure for a lifetime is another stronger argument to be made.

Though whatever camp you may be from I'd bet my wallet (and it's contents!) that you doll youself up whenever you head out. I stick my hand firmly up as being this person. Hardly anyone will see me wearing my glasses, If I'm going to a club, I'm normally wrapped in a fancy shirt, waistcoat and one of my many various ties. (Mmmmmm ties)
It's an absolutly animalistic thing to do, like peacocks, we want to draw as much attention to ourselves as possible, and why not? I can't exactly wear a t-shirt saying "I'm a pretty sweet dude" and expect a room full of people to nod in agreement.
I suppose the important question to ask if do you like yourself? Even love yourself? Forget your make-up, contacts lenses and fancy clothes. Are you happy with yourself when you look in the mirror?
I was sent mail from an old friend voicing concern over me being on a diet, and that I should have more important things to worry about and that I should just be out enjoying myself. I would've like to agree, but, when I look in the mirror, I see a bit of a wreck. I'm neither under-weight nor over-weight, I just think I look rather average, and to me, average =boring.
Our generation of course, perhaps more than any other is exposed to a grossly unhealthy amount of magazines, t.v and films of people being described as "perfect."
Fuck that. When I see size 0, I wince. When I see perfectly straight, white teeth, I screw my face up. When I see middle aged people without a single wrinkle, I laugh my ass off.
It's these things that throw many a problem our way, the odds are they are our role models, but we're at a danger of taking things too far when we think we need to look like toys or models.

Beauty invariably leads to one of the most dangerous words and phenomenons in the world; Love.

" Falling in love too easily and too often may in fact be an expression of disaffection with oneself"

Our generation has what appears to be two major motivating factors; their career, and their pursuit of love. The two often being at odds and a major source of heartache.
When does love occur? Do you believe in love at first sight? Well what about the blind eh? I jest. Maybe it took a little longer for that seed to be sown. Maybe weeks months, even years to realise your blossoming feelings.
But was it real? It seem that love may have been diluted through abusive over-use, you hear young teenagers say it, you may even have that friend who has a new other-half every couple of weeks and you hear the "L word".
I'm not about to throw down the absolute definition of Love, all the poetry, songs and movies combined can't accomplish that feat. I'm not irritated by being unable to find it's meaning. I'm pissed off with people who mis-treat it. Those who use it as bait, as an excuse.

Another thing that has swept me up in the past is the assumption of "magical love". The kind that is apparent in Twilight, The Notebook, A Walk to remember and many of Walt's classics. We seem to think that we'll meet Boy/Girl "X", and they will be incredibly thoughtful, romantic, giving, surprising, tolerant, patient all together perfect people. Yet the second they might slip up BAMMM!!! that person is monster who dashed our dreams, broke our hearts and ruined our lives. People aren't superheroes, we can't always swoop in and make everything better. In my incredibly honest opinion, the best person for you is the one who wants to fulfill these qualities, the one who tries their best to uphold them.
There is no perfect, no smooth ride.

So if I can quote Juno, I shall;

"The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

I really can't put it much better than that. Other than possibly with this, perhaps my favourite guide to living;

"Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile"

But if you are in love; how lucky you are!
Or if you're with that special someone, count your blessings.
You're certainly at the end of my envy :)

With Love,
Nevin xxo

The Day of Heaven and Hell

Now before you think that the fine thread that connect me to sanity has snapped fear not; I have indeed not been on an epic quest involving angels, demons, Jay OR Silent Bob. It's just my eye catching way to draw you into my musings on perspective :D

Largely, I've been having a jolly good time (suddenly I'm an old English man) doing the whole "wannabe-student-teacher" thing, and being on the other side of the desk is never scary for me. I just find it a tad odd that I still feel like I'm learning when the shoe is on the other foot!
Another thing that is still very weird to me is the whole double life/identity malarkey that comes with being a teacher. Throughout the day I'm Mr.Officer - that's fair enough. But I had two lower-sixth girls recognise me from outside of school and asked if they can call me "Nev/Nevin".
"Sadly not", I replied, "Only once I'm outside of those gates"
It's something I find myself doing still. I always refer to my past teachers Ms.Graham and Mr Spence by those titles as least once before using their "real"/first names!

Another thing, and I MIGHT just be going crazy, but it's like everybody recognised me, and I them. I got many a knowing look. Did I teach them last year? Was I around when a brother/sister of theirs was in the school? Am I unbeknownst to myself a cult Internet icon?

I think not.

Though that'd be kinda' cool!



What did make my day rather lovely where the following;

"Mr Officer, are you going to be teaching us every day from now on?"

"Mr Officer!!! Remember meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee from last year?"

"It's all good sir, we like you already"

They were all absolute legends, there's a weird school spirit in the school that was sadly lacking when I was there. It'slike the place has taken the best parts of high school musical.
But my generation took the worst parts of American Pie! :(

Then there were the kids who though they were being mis-behaved and went quiet around me, like I was the scary-new-person. It being a Friday, and me being perhaps a little bit too laid-back, I was up for promoting any and all mischief that 12/13 year olds thought they were getting themselves into.
I think we can learn something from that. Live a little, yeah?

"Most children think that they are devils who play at being angels, when very often it is the reverse that is true"

Normally this is where I sign-off!
You'll be hearing from me! xxo


P.S Do you read this in your voice, my voice or the voice you remember? Just curious.

The Day of Creative Isolation

Periods in school burnt through : 9 and some extra stuff at lunch!

Hours of sleep last night: 5-ish

Current Levothyroxine dose :50 mg (for now)

The results are in folks, and as expected from my blood tests, my dosage will be doubled to 100mg. Now whilst this is both expected and what I'd hoped for, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. It in a sense means another month of getting "back on track" - another month of living a very heavily restricted lifestyle. But c'est la vie! I've been through 5 years of mounting symptoms, what's 5 more weeks ... man I could really murder a cheeseburger right now :P

In other news, I have gone back to school *STOP NOW! Listen to "Deftones - Back to school"* and it's amazing how much a place can change, even since last year when I was teaching. I'm very proud to have gone to Belfast Royal Academy, even though I didn't always have the funnest of times, I can say that things got better by the year; as i got increasingly addicted to the stage and one of my happiest memories is rockin' out in front of half of the school with my mates!
I'm not entirely sure where that came from - that transition of shy boy to drama-geek to mic-swinging rocker to whateverthefuckiamnow.
Though I very much have a soft spot for that quiet little dude I used to be, and pretty much all shy people in general. You're all so mysterious and captivating to me :D

What I loved best today was "high-school-sense-of-humour"; I walked into the the sixth form centre and then,
some guy,"Yeo! Robert Pattinson!!!"
me, "WTF?! I miss my fringe ..."

So well played to that guy, maybe I'll catch him tomorrow!

Time for the little meditation before I disappear for the night methinks;
"Some people who are silent have nothing to say"

Seems pretty obvious right? Well compare it to one of my favourite quotes from one of my favourite films and something I very firmly believe in;

"That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the ---- up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence."

- Mia Wallace, Pulp Fiction

You know you've done it, and if you haven't you should, just shoot the breeze with one of your friends or other-half, perfectly happy on each other's company. It's a weird, cool and lovely feeling.

So maybe tomorrow we'll be ... where we belong.
-Nevin xxo

The Day of Design

Meditation - "The grand pattern of the universe is God's design"

I saw a film today called "The Crazies" I'm not going to give it a full review ... I may start another blog solely for reviews... BUT if you enjoy fresh takes on Zombies and fun ways to dispose of them AND watching one of your best mates squirm in their seat, I'd highly recommend it!

The Crazies : 7/10 (Watch out for a particularly cool knife scene, and count the Iraq war references!!)


Anyway back to the serious contemplative matter, where I act all high brow and wise and shit!
An argument that has crept up in many a classroom and uni lecture, regardless of the subject is the Nature/Nurture debate. I won't patronise you about it, but basically it boils down to "are we made OR do we make ourselves"
This of course is something that's a concern to me now. I'm on medication for the first time in my life. They have anti-depressant effects. In a sense then, once it's been in my system a sufficiently long time ( a few months) will I have a different personality? Would it be different than a personality change that occurs sheerly through time?

Another case was between the end of summer and before Christmas, I had decidedly bulked up through exercise and eating six times a day, my Belfast peeps noticed the change and it was one I had consciously chosen for myself, it is of course a moot-point seeing as (thanks to the hypothyroidism) I struggled to keep the weight on - ragin'!

So how aware are you to the changes that occur to you, If you notice it, are you in control of it, do you fight against it?
That's just my little thought for the day, tip your bartenders, stay classy!

Maybe I'll see tomorrow, if not, I'm just another another sleep closer I guess.
-Nevin xxo

The Day of Undying Loyalty

Meditation: "God may not be so far away"

Today I lost blood, but I've gained motivation. Awesome trade eh?
I think I've been on Levothyroxin for maybe 5 weeks now. Initially the only improvement I've noticed is better quality of sleep, and generally a pretty chipper mood. The past few days have seen my enthusiasm return; I'd slowly lost interest in generally everything in my life for 2 or 3 years I'd say and I just chalked it up to me becoming lazy or an overly "chilled-out-dude", but I'm engaged again.
I've spent most hours of yesterday and today on my drum stool, gettin' my groove back! I had all but given up on the drums, as I felt every bit of skill fade away and had resigned myself to selling my kit. But I'm happy to report I've been bust writing and I'm sitting on four new songs that just need some guitar to fill them out, wooooo, excited!

But on to a little digging around our collective character, more to the point, what we think of loyalty? Are you a fiercely loyal person? Do you stand by your friends, family and ideals staunchly? How about blindly? Will you stand beside them when you know they are wrong? What does that say about you?

Just a little food for thought for today. No advice. No preaching.

P.S Belfast Royal Academy FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Odds are, I'm making/arranging some sort of pressie for you,
Nevin xxo

The Day of Artisitic Sensibilities

Hello everybody!!

Right, now that the enthusiasm is out of the way, I can get right down to it. I'm pissed off. Like Zinedine Zidane headbutt pissed off.
I know what's doing it too, but I just have no way of fixing it. I let the past haunt me somewhat. I'll never be able to let go of a mistake, missed opportunity or losing somebody. If I could have a reset button surgically attached to my ass, that'd be fab! So I suppose today and last night has been a group session with me and my demons, woo!!

Therefore in time of such doubt I turn to the big book! No, not the bible ... maybe later. Remember the big book of birthdays I talked about waaaaaaay back? No? Well there's a picture up top for you Alzheimer's hopefuls.

So I scanned down today's page to the Advice section, which read thusly;

"Don't always look for the door. Build up the aggressive side of your nature. Find what really suits you, realistically, but beware of being swallowed up by your role"

Lets break down that rather simple yet brilliant slice of feel-good pie shall we;

Don't always look for the door - Stop chasing questions that can't be answered (waaaay ahead on that one)

Build up the aggressive side of your nature - Now this might me hilarious to some of you who have known me for less than a few years. Yes, I am capable of being angry, it happens extremely infrequently, but sadly scares the shit out of my best mates. So I poured all my aggression into a drum kit today. Turns out I have my rhythm back - win!

Find what really suits you, realistically, but beware of being swallowed up by your role - I'm soon going head first into teacher trainer, it's a nurturing kinda job, it's what I do. I've had people phone me up at all hours, cry on my shoulder, use me as a therapist during free periods in school, for as long as I can remember. I like helping people. But who helps the helpers ya'know?

Yet, blogging how I feel everyday, makes me feel a tad better. If one person is reading this and is the same boat and can empathize, then I guess this is all worth it.
Alas, I have an hour and half left to stuff my face before the fasting for my blood-test, yet I'm dieting ... wonder if I'm allowed Ice-cream? Mmmmmm.

Well meditate on this blog-stalkers!

"An aesthetic person sees beauty in the ordinary"

-Nevin, xxo