One for the road: Good news and good bye

I've been reading through my older posts, looking at all of the steps it took to get to this point. How many I wrote when I was drunk, when I was sick, when I was digging and contemplating. I don't need to blog about that stuff anymore. I like that this format has a definite ending for me, because the good news has arrived; my medication had levelled off, I don't need to take another blood-test for six months, and if I continue behaving and adhering to the holy "Men's Health", then I'm going to be in an incredible position in about a year's time.

I also landed an interview at the University of Manchester. Whilst I may not accept a place even if I do nail the interview, I'll know how up to scratch I am with the teaching malarkey.

So that's it kids, I'm done. Thanks for reading and telling me how much you've enjoyed, and how my attempts at comedy actually got a laugh out of some of you.

See you soon for a new one of these I'm sure :P

"Maybe there are no accidents."

-Nev xo

The Meltdown

I'm having one.

To update my University situation, it goes like this.

I was having a "cheat day" on Monday, so I decided to indulge in some fish &chips from Bishops, and whilst waiting on this greasy delicious filthiness, i received a phone-call.

"Nevin, we absolutely loved your application, but since it came to us after the new year, we're hard-pressed to fit you in. Why did you leave it so late?"

Gap year, travelling, saving, not well, no travelling, three week bender, apply.

"We hope to see you in the future Nevin, as like we said, we were intrigued by your forms, goodbye."

My fish and chips weren't even that good. Gutted.

So my application is still with Strathclyde, so maybe there's hope, if not, then it gets passed to Manchester. After my first and second choice are ruled out, i told myself I wouldn't go somewhere else. I did that with Aberdeen,my saving grace there was that I made amazing friends who helped me sail through that year. I wouldn't be guaranteed that luck again.

So I continue to study for a teaching interview that may or may not happen, the whole while wondering; "What am I doing here, shouldn't I just move, there's plenty of places that'd be happy to have you."

It all stems from not knowing what I want to do, what best suit, where to go, where is best for me, what people to surround myself with, what people actually want or need me around.

So after four nights in a row with bad sleep, horrible dreams, and STILL no chocolate! I decided I'd do something for myself today.
I had an interview with Blast fm. An up and coming radio station based in Belfast, with a view to having a radio show. That'd be pretty fucking awesome eh?

I had a wee poke in "that" book today to see if the meditation was at all appropriate. Must be my lucky day.

"When one door closes, another door opens"

- Nev

This summer...

Is going to be fudging awesome.

I'm going to finally take the plunge and that lion tattoo on my pec/moob/ whatever-state-it's-in.

I'm a proud Leo after all.

I Have This Thought that...

Even though the puzzle pieces are falling into place - it doesn't mean it's going to make the picture I want to see.

- Nevin xxo

Just To Say

I'm chowing on a cheese-toastie, PB on toast and raspberries. - Just did a weights session and you gotta hit the protein FAST!!

Blood tests tomorrow, lots and lots of Bloodtests! Let's hope my numbers are good so I can get silly over the next few weeks!!

If I know ya', I'm lookin out for ya'

(Yeah I talk all gangsta and shit now!)

- Nevin xxo

Ahh!

Hair ... pretty please, GERMINATE!!!

The Day of the Observer

Quick album review;
Kids in Glass Houses : Dirt - 7.7/10

Is it pop-punk or Indie rock? Somehow they cover all the bases. It's the perfect album for parties or getting ready to go out, I'm absolutly loving it. It even has guest vocals from New Found Glory and Frankie from The Saturdays - AWESOME!!!

The Post!

I'll start oddly with my Meditation-quote-deelio;

"My responsibility for the world begins and ends with Myself"

I'm an observer, a curious dude, I throw big questions around, I'm a self professed "fixer"

Maybe I've been doing things wrong. Reading back on my posts, I sometimes think, "Am I being Dogmatic, am I imposing my beliefs on the reader?
Too dramatic?
A bit lofty?
I haven't a clue.

So I might take a break until I get other opinions, maybe I'll change the format.

Perhaps I'm just knackerd
Weight lifting + drumming + jogging + singing = Worn out Nev

Ciao for now
-Nevin xxo

The Day of Innocence

Before you take a gander, be sure to have a little look over my post "The Day of Integrity" (posted two days ago) I already started talking on this topic.

I would say there is the general consensus that innocence is slowly eroded with every passing year and every action we take. I already mentioned the particular things that are associated with this loss, so I wont spend time mentioning them again, only that we seem to have a scale of "OMG my innocence has just been fucked up!"

Then there's the idea that if we hadn't done this, read that, googled blue waffle, we'd be divine creatures, once more like our babby-counterparts. (Intentional spelling of "baby"!!)
So yeah a bit of mind-wiping a la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, yes?

Of course it doesn't exist yet;
"Targeted memory erasure is a fictional non-surgical procedure. Its purpose is the focused erasure of memories, particularly unwanted and painful memories"

Though we're not without our own cure;
"...it is a mild form of brain damage comparable to a "night of heavy drinking."

So in turn, I drink because I want to be more innocent?

No.

I have done bad things.
I've made mistakes.
I have regrets.
I have my faults.

I'm still innocent.
Odds are you are too.

So who's up for a little corruption? eh? funny? Yes? No. You're right, never.

But if you still feel like you've made yourself shut something or someone off, you feel hurt or damaged or generally "bad",just think about this. It may be bleak, but it quickly pushes you through a few steps in one sentence.

"Most depression is only anger - most anger, fear"



As for me. I'm gonna get back to making Easter goodies for my mates.

You know where to reach me, Facebook and 02 pay me now!
-Nev XoxO

The Day of the Originator

I often tried to keep my head above water, by making sure there was less of it.

What I mean is I could cut things away to keep my mind clear.
(Please refrain from you're an emo or "are you a "cutter"?" jokes please.)

So my bedroom, would consist of a bed, drawers and wardrobe. That's it. Okay obligatory drum kit, sheesh! You could say I was an easily distracted chap.
What is it about us? We tend to have exams and coursework and such every year, and it's important to a degree. But we'll do anything else to avoid it. Are we meant to sabotage ourselves in this way, do we not want to move forward? Counting the indentations on a radiator to avoid writing an essay - done it!

Then we struggle to manage our time. Some how we have to squeeze hours of school/uni in between work, being with your friends or other half and no doubt have some other commitment. I don't know about you, but I'd like a teensy bit of "me" time in between those things.

Though maybe it'd be best if I didn't. If I just jumped from place to place everyday, with a constantly changing cast of characters in my life,maybe it'd be funner, give me a buzz, some more energy. Maybe it'd wear me out enough so I could count less sheep.

So, why not open Pandora's box. Enjoy the chaos of your life. You might miss it when your adventures start to end.

"The secret to concentration is the acceptance of endless distractions"

- Nevin, Nev, Mr.Officer, Weirdy Beardy and so many more
xxo

The Day of Integrity

This day is said to be one where people manifest the innocence, spontaneity and candor of a child.

Alright everybody, throw your hands up if you've done something naughty. Right, that's all of you then.
Now before we talk innocence I want you to throw away all the notions you have to suggest you're not.
I don't care how much you drink, how many kinds of drugs you do, what impressive bedroom antics you've got up to or how much five-fingered discount you've amassed.
Odds are, there is still a good deal of innocence left in you. Think of every time you play with a little sibling. Or whenever you do something nice for a stranger.
Love and kindness are born from innocence.

I think I'm having a surge of it today as well. I can't stop blushing! Every time someone says something nice to be in work today or throw me a smile, my cheeks light up like I've downed six pints and spent an hour freaking out on the dance floor.
Maybe it's my good friend levothyroxine. Mixing around with the hormones are you? Well ... fair-play!

Spontaneity? Well, no more than usual from me. If something good comes on in work, I will start doing the robot, then a moon-walk then a "running man". Can't help it.
Parents out of the house?
Singing at the top of my fudging lungs.

I don't ever want to know the opposite word to spontaneity!

Last but not least, candor. Frankness for those who had to look it up. (Me) Well. I just tell it like it is, don't I?

"That all things do indeed pass is revealed when a child's sadness gives way to laughter"

- Nevin
xxo

The Day of Dynamism

I had a slight blogging fit yesterday, resulting in me posting two sets of lyrics (though appropriate) and a short "thought-blast" I was going to do a fourth but felt that now would be better.

Don't we do a lot of jumping around in our lives, not star jumps and the like (though naked leap-frog is my personal favourite) but in playing so many characters.

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,"

The point I was trying to get across yesterday was simply about my blog, when I read it it sounds like me but it's not entirely.

This is my blog voice, it is different from my friend voice, which is different from my brother voice, and so on ...


We do it seamlessly, and totally without being two-faced, I know today I'll be at least four slightly different people. Five if you count "Blog-Nev"

Maybe it's a little sad that some friends and my family won't get to see the whole picture (Jonah excluded, I have said some experiences and words with that guy!)

But really, I see whoring out your thoughts and feelings like whoring out your body - sure it may be fun for a time, but I'd much rather share everything with just one.

An open book ... just some of the best pages are missing.

Meditate;
"Males wear the makeup in the animal kingdom"

- Blog-Nev
xxo

In a Manner Of Sleep

We need a spark not another dead match
FIND THE WILL TO KEEP IT BURNING!

The Day of Beguiling Simplicity

I won't be ironic today.

Even though I've known for a long time that over-thinking things or jumping the gun is bad for me, I still do it.

Today, I just want to sit back back with a clear head, forgetting what neuroticism even means.

"The greatest gift that one can give to another is to reveal oneself"

-Nevin
xxo

Misguided Ghosts

I am going away for a while
But I'll be back, don't try and follow me
'Cause I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes

And run
From them, from them
With no direction
We'll run from them, from them
With no conviction

'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don't need no roads
In fact they follow me

And we just go in circles

Well Now I'm told that this is life
And pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it
Would someone care to classify,
Of broken hearts and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on

And run
To them, to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not, Useless
We are just

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one road
We should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me

They echo me in circles

The Day of Curiosity

Notable changes due to Levothyroxine - Better sleep. Hairier forearms?!

Curiosity killed the cat. I'm not sure where that poor puddytat is now though...or how he died.
Maybe he's really old road-kill.

The point is that there is only a certain degree where we can poke our noses in without getting spat at or poked in the eye.
In the metaphorical sense of course.
Unless you're into that sort of thing.
I personally am fine with a bit of rough-housing.

But I digress, we love a bit of gossip, myself included. It's not a bad thing, just need to be sure when we over-step our boundaries.
Note to self - other people's lives are NOT a window into some sort of soap.

Except mine, maybe, since I advertise to the world. I'm very cool with that.

"Within the microcosm and the macrocosm there are worlds in their own time and space"

Man, I need to start choosing better quotes, they'd probably be too soppy though ... ah well.

-Nevin
xxo

The Day of Direct Current

Today was the day I implemented my "turning over a new leaf" phase. I'm not saying my leaf or the side it's on right now was bad ... just that ... I've lost my way with this metaphor already!

But I curiously enough this morning did a wee count of how many pills I've taken.
18 of 100mg. This means that (hopefully) I am six weeks away from a "reboot" (see earlier posts)

So, I patiently, slowly and surely continue on with my work. I tell you, I am seriously craving a burger or fish and chips or something fried and swimming in grease.
But, I've been a good boy today. You know those days were you just CAN'T STOP eating or drinking the same thing over and over. Well it seems today I have something of a smoothie fetish. Throwing together blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, a banana and some vanilla yogurt.

It has seriously been a while since something that good has made love to my throat! Oh wait ... that's gonna sound like I'm gay. Ummmmmm

It has seriously been a while since something that good has been fucking hardcore and manly, my blender is metal as fuck and my smoothie composition is the shit!!

So, yeah, maybe a teensy bit hyper today ... but you need to try this smoothie!!

Another new thing today was weight training. I'm built like an elf; the only time I would say my body was in amazing shape was age 16/17, right before my thyroid decided to be a lazy gland.
Weights are nice change of pace for me, I was the typical tall guy runner/swimmer, a change is good for me.

Something I can't seem to get my arse in to gear is brushing up on my music skillz. I'll lazily bash away at a drum kit, not learning anything new, or make make noises on my keyboard without knowing how to play the thing at a decent standard.
I must have "lazy-lead singer-itis"

But that's okay. I'm going easy on my self. I'm getting too worked up on trying to make stuff happen, when really sometimes, I should realise that it's alright to just let things happen by themselves.


"Love involves respect for the time and space of all living things"

Thanks for your comments, messages, calls, texts and thoughts.
I fucking love you!
-Nev xxo

The Day of Clarity

Do you remember I wrote a while ago about the day after being drunk? That I had a nice juicy injection of perspective.
Well, I've been at that for four days in a row. What have I learned?

Drinking buddies are hard to come by,
Warm beer/cider gets drank faster, and
Buckfast-based cocktails are rather tasty.

But you can only do this for so long before you figure out the best way to feel better about yourself.
(Though I still heavily advocate a night of getting smashed and making spectacular shapes with your friends [sometimes strangers], getting covered in foam and later trying to hail a taxi as you walk all the way home)

I think that when we (yes my hand is especially up) set ourselves goals, perhaps Lent, we throw on the unnecessary pressure. Why don't we set goals we want to do? That we should have fun with? Realise we'll be better once we've accomplished. Most importantly, we shouldn't win all the time. The struggle just makes it that more interesting.

Today is the first day of Spring, so I though now would be best for something fresh and new.
Even if it is just an idea.

"The simplest melodies are the hardest to play"

- Nevin
xxo

The Day of the Labyrinth

ADVICE

Your emotions can destructive. Keep calm and in touch with your center. Direct your energies toward realistic goals. Observe your living.

Loving the babble from this book today, and I'll say ; check, check, check and check to all of the above. I'll go a step further and translate it into a language that is far more pleasing to my ears.

" Dude, like, chill the fuck out, yeah? Sweet!"

See, now I know, why I'm really stressed out. It became apparent this morning. I woke up at five, and this thing is haunting me. I'm addicted to it. If I could wipe it from my past I would. It holds me back, pins me down. But I can't tell anyone about it.

I make a large portion of my life visible to people. You go on my facebook, I have it pretty well fleshed out. This blog here is a window into my day-to-day. I don't mind sharing, I like sharing. Love it. But that is something only I can really fix, and hopefully soon before it hurts me.

My temporary solution.
My answer to most things?
Lets go dance and a have a wee drink eh?

Meditate;
"We create nothing, express nothing; we only discover or uncover what is already there"

I'll be at Laverys,
hopefully I'll see one of your might pretty faces real soon!

- Nevin xxo

The Day Of Dogged Persistance

Yesterday, I was not feeling very well. I perhaps have become a bit restless waiting around for University interviews. Impatient is a word that wouldn't even begin to describe what I was.

Now is a time of sticking to my guns. Keep the goal in sight and pursue it tirelessly.

That is what I wrote when I was sober. I am, for the third night in a row, drunk.
Not because, I drink as a pass-time,it just so happens that this week is one of those weeks where I get invited out a lot!!!
But really, I was VERY anxious yesterday because in a sense, the news I'm waitin' on largely determines what I'm doing for a year of my life. It's not something I fret about lightly.
Another reason I may have bottled up all the tension and let it out in some angsty publication is because... I don't have any other way to release it. Who do I talk to about things like this?
It's one of those times of the year, of my life, that I too often spend alone. Where no-one is in the same boat, the same limbo.

Ahh well. It's the booze maybe talkin' tonight. I'm slowly picking myself up. Always got to try and make a good go at this.

"All Life is Sacred"

-Nevin
xxo

The Day of Return

The entire world works in a beautifully monotonous cycle. We take our cue from the earth. It relentlessly spins, while clocks turn and people are born the very instant another dies.

It's this tiring cycle we try to break everyday in a search for any vigour left within ourselves.

This is a day where I particularly feel like though I've worked and pushed and tried to get things going. I'm back at square one.
"Oh so I pass these exams, now what?"
"Well now you can do more"
"And then..."
"Then you can go away to university"
"Where I'll be able to..."
"Take more exams"
"But when I'll graduate..."
"You'll probably be no better off than someone who didn't go."

Fantastic isn't it? And if your professional life leaves you feeling rather cheated, what about your personal life?
Your friends get scattered all over the place, you're unable to make the same time for each other because everybody is running the same rat race, endlessly running in their hamster wheels for that treat they're never going to get.
So really it's no wonder we're known to be a disillusioned generation. We're fed the notions that we'll reap what we sow, if we take our chance our dreams will all come true. We'll work jobs that pay well and don't cut into our personal lives, and gosh-darnit we'll just jump out of bed in the morning to go there!

And if this little slice of rhetoric seems highly out of character it's maybe because I can't even seem to scrape at the basics of a 22 year old lad like myself.

Maybe tomorrow.

"Completion often signals a new beginning"

You can find me with all the conventional methods at all the hip places.
- Nevin Officer xxo