tHE dAY OF aBSTRACT sTRUCTURE

I happened to wake up this morning in an unfamiliar house, on a familiar sofa, wrapped up like baby Jesus with a half full bottle of Morgan's beside me. There goes me saving myself for St.Paddys/School's cup final. I have only Ben Wilson to thank for this.

However I couldn't spend any time lingering around, basking in the tipsy memories of the previous night or the rather lovely dream I had, no no, I've got to make my escape home and get some all-new and improved Levothyroxine (now in Belgium chocolate flavour) and breakfast.
One that was accomplished, I basked in life's little pleasure of standing in the shower 10 minutes longer than usual; they're like vertical wet beds right? Mmmmmm
This of course is followed by my "just out of the shower dance". This can be a rather frantic exercise on a floor towel that is one part tribal dance, one part boogie and one part mosh. If there is one part of my day where I am guaranteed to be happy, this is it.

Upon returning to my room, I'm feeling rather motivated ( as I oddly am after drinking) do I try and write/record some tunes OR will I do some weights. Both seemed fun, I could do both before dinner.

Oh no. *RING RING* "Yes, I'll cover your shift"

So my plans went right out the window, my day didn't quite come together as I'd planned. And for some reason,perhaps because of last night's dream I would actually love a bottle of champagne and some strawberries!

"Following our dreams can lead us to freedom or imprisonment"

Many apologies for those wanting more in-depth high brow discussion. But at least now you know I have a shower dance.

Anyway;
Sleep, perchance to dream...

-Nev xxo

The Day of the Beauty Lovers

As the title suggests, I'll be attacking the issues of beauty and love and what they mean in our generation. Whereas before I have a tendency to be playful and cute with my language, this is a topic that demands closer attention and respect ... so expect all the attempts at humour near the end ;)

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder they say, and they're damn right. You've probably done the same thing as myself and my mates - the hot or not game, marry/snog/avoid etc. And I bet a lot of the time you disagreed with your mate's opinions and at best agreed when neither of you were that fussed. I'm particularly bad at it when I'm out with a lot of girl mates - I'm pretty crap at pickin' out guys who I think they might find attractive.
I guess that's a good thing, yes?

Yet there seems to be no tried and tested formula for beauty, and thank god for it. Imagine if it was something you could quantify, it would me a hell of a scramble when people pair off. (Think school disco with 20/30 year old and more fighting)
Then there's your mates other halves, boy is that a tricky one! What do you do when asked "what do you think?" after seeing a picture.
You should neither reply "eugggghhhhhhhhh!!! OH GOD MY EYYYYYYYYESSSSSS!

NOR

"Dude, your lady is friggin' smokin' ... she got a sister?"

What is the level of importance you attribute to beauty also? The perennial looks vs personality debate is one that will rage on forever. You may think that good looks are the clincher because obviously that's what we see first, rather sadly, a well-filled-in personality profile doesn't hover above people's heads when your out and about. Damn.
There are the personality supporters who argue that a solid first impression easily trumps how "fit" they may be. That beauty wanes and fades, whilst a character can endure for a lifetime is another stronger argument to be made.

Though whatever camp you may be from I'd bet my wallet (and it's contents!) that you doll youself up whenever you head out. I stick my hand firmly up as being this person. Hardly anyone will see me wearing my glasses, If I'm going to a club, I'm normally wrapped in a fancy shirt, waistcoat and one of my many various ties. (Mmmmmm ties)
It's an absolutly animalistic thing to do, like peacocks, we want to draw as much attention to ourselves as possible, and why not? I can't exactly wear a t-shirt saying "I'm a pretty sweet dude" and expect a room full of people to nod in agreement.
I suppose the important question to ask if do you like yourself? Even love yourself? Forget your make-up, contacts lenses and fancy clothes. Are you happy with yourself when you look in the mirror?
I was sent mail from an old friend voicing concern over me being on a diet, and that I should have more important things to worry about and that I should just be out enjoying myself. I would've like to agree, but, when I look in the mirror, I see a bit of a wreck. I'm neither under-weight nor over-weight, I just think I look rather average, and to me, average =boring.
Our generation of course, perhaps more than any other is exposed to a grossly unhealthy amount of magazines, t.v and films of people being described as "perfect."
Fuck that. When I see size 0, I wince. When I see perfectly straight, white teeth, I screw my face up. When I see middle aged people without a single wrinkle, I laugh my ass off.
It's these things that throw many a problem our way, the odds are they are our role models, but we're at a danger of taking things too far when we think we need to look like toys or models.

Beauty invariably leads to one of the most dangerous words and phenomenons in the world; Love.

" Falling in love too easily and too often may in fact be an expression of disaffection with oneself"

Our generation has what appears to be two major motivating factors; their career, and their pursuit of love. The two often being at odds and a major source of heartache.
When does love occur? Do you believe in love at first sight? Well what about the blind eh? I jest. Maybe it took a little longer for that seed to be sown. Maybe weeks months, even years to realise your blossoming feelings.
But was it real? It seem that love may have been diluted through abusive over-use, you hear young teenagers say it, you may even have that friend who has a new other-half every couple of weeks and you hear the "L word".
I'm not about to throw down the absolute definition of Love, all the poetry, songs and movies combined can't accomplish that feat. I'm not irritated by being unable to find it's meaning. I'm pissed off with people who mis-treat it. Those who use it as bait, as an excuse.

Another thing that has swept me up in the past is the assumption of "magical love". The kind that is apparent in Twilight, The Notebook, A Walk to remember and many of Walt's classics. We seem to think that we'll meet Boy/Girl "X", and they will be incredibly thoughtful, romantic, giving, surprising, tolerant, patient all together perfect people. Yet the second they might slip up BAMMM!!! that person is monster who dashed our dreams, broke our hearts and ruined our lives. People aren't superheroes, we can't always swoop in and make everything better. In my incredibly honest opinion, the best person for you is the one who wants to fulfill these qualities, the one who tries their best to uphold them.
There is no perfect, no smooth ride.

So if I can quote Juno, I shall;

"The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

I really can't put it much better than that. Other than possibly with this, perhaps my favourite guide to living;

"Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile"

But if you are in love; how lucky you are!
Or if you're with that special someone, count your blessings.
You're certainly at the end of my envy :)

With Love,
Nevin xxo

The Day of Heaven and Hell

Now before you think that the fine thread that connect me to sanity has snapped fear not; I have indeed not been on an epic quest involving angels, demons, Jay OR Silent Bob. It's just my eye catching way to draw you into my musings on perspective :D

Largely, I've been having a jolly good time (suddenly I'm an old English man) doing the whole "wannabe-student-teacher" thing, and being on the other side of the desk is never scary for me. I just find it a tad odd that I still feel like I'm learning when the shoe is on the other foot!
Another thing that is still very weird to me is the whole double life/identity malarkey that comes with being a teacher. Throughout the day I'm Mr.Officer - that's fair enough. But I had two lower-sixth girls recognise me from outside of school and asked if they can call me "Nev/Nevin".
"Sadly not", I replied, "Only once I'm outside of those gates"
It's something I find myself doing still. I always refer to my past teachers Ms.Graham and Mr Spence by those titles as least once before using their "real"/first names!

Another thing, and I MIGHT just be going crazy, but it's like everybody recognised me, and I them. I got many a knowing look. Did I teach them last year? Was I around when a brother/sister of theirs was in the school? Am I unbeknownst to myself a cult Internet icon?

I think not.

Though that'd be kinda' cool!



What did make my day rather lovely where the following;

"Mr Officer, are you going to be teaching us every day from now on?"

"Mr Officer!!! Remember meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee from last year?"

"It's all good sir, we like you already"

They were all absolute legends, there's a weird school spirit in the school that was sadly lacking when I was there. It'slike the place has taken the best parts of high school musical.
But my generation took the worst parts of American Pie! :(

Then there were the kids who though they were being mis-behaved and went quiet around me, like I was the scary-new-person. It being a Friday, and me being perhaps a little bit too laid-back, I was up for promoting any and all mischief that 12/13 year olds thought they were getting themselves into.
I think we can learn something from that. Live a little, yeah?

"Most children think that they are devils who play at being angels, when very often it is the reverse that is true"

Normally this is where I sign-off!
You'll be hearing from me! xxo


P.S Do you read this in your voice, my voice or the voice you remember? Just curious.

The Day of Creative Isolation

Periods in school burnt through : 9 and some extra stuff at lunch!

Hours of sleep last night: 5-ish

Current Levothyroxine dose :50 mg (for now)

The results are in folks, and as expected from my blood tests, my dosage will be doubled to 100mg. Now whilst this is both expected and what I'd hoped for, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. It in a sense means another month of getting "back on track" - another month of living a very heavily restricted lifestyle. But c'est la vie! I've been through 5 years of mounting symptoms, what's 5 more weeks ... man I could really murder a cheeseburger right now :P

In other news, I have gone back to school *STOP NOW! Listen to "Deftones - Back to school"* and it's amazing how much a place can change, even since last year when I was teaching. I'm very proud to have gone to Belfast Royal Academy, even though I didn't always have the funnest of times, I can say that things got better by the year; as i got increasingly addicted to the stage and one of my happiest memories is rockin' out in front of half of the school with my mates!
I'm not entirely sure where that came from - that transition of shy boy to drama-geek to mic-swinging rocker to whateverthefuckiamnow.
Though I very much have a soft spot for that quiet little dude I used to be, and pretty much all shy people in general. You're all so mysterious and captivating to me :D

What I loved best today was "high-school-sense-of-humour"; I walked into the the sixth form centre and then,
some guy,"Yeo! Robert Pattinson!!!"
me, "WTF?! I miss my fringe ..."

So well played to that guy, maybe I'll catch him tomorrow!

Time for the little meditation before I disappear for the night methinks;
"Some people who are silent have nothing to say"

Seems pretty obvious right? Well compare it to one of my favourite quotes from one of my favourite films and something I very firmly believe in;

"That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the ---- up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence."

- Mia Wallace, Pulp Fiction

You know you've done it, and if you haven't you should, just shoot the breeze with one of your friends or other-half, perfectly happy on each other's company. It's a weird, cool and lovely feeling.

So maybe tomorrow we'll be ... where we belong.
-Nevin xxo

The Day of Design

Meditation - "The grand pattern of the universe is God's design"

I saw a film today called "The Crazies" I'm not going to give it a full review ... I may start another blog solely for reviews... BUT if you enjoy fresh takes on Zombies and fun ways to dispose of them AND watching one of your best mates squirm in their seat, I'd highly recommend it!

The Crazies : 7/10 (Watch out for a particularly cool knife scene, and count the Iraq war references!!)


Anyway back to the serious contemplative matter, where I act all high brow and wise and shit!
An argument that has crept up in many a classroom and uni lecture, regardless of the subject is the Nature/Nurture debate. I won't patronise you about it, but basically it boils down to "are we made OR do we make ourselves"
This of course is something that's a concern to me now. I'm on medication for the first time in my life. They have anti-depressant effects. In a sense then, once it's been in my system a sufficiently long time ( a few months) will I have a different personality? Would it be different than a personality change that occurs sheerly through time?

Another case was between the end of summer and before Christmas, I had decidedly bulked up through exercise and eating six times a day, my Belfast peeps noticed the change and it was one I had consciously chosen for myself, it is of course a moot-point seeing as (thanks to the hypothyroidism) I struggled to keep the weight on - ragin'!

So how aware are you to the changes that occur to you, If you notice it, are you in control of it, do you fight against it?
That's just my little thought for the day, tip your bartenders, stay classy!

Maybe I'll see tomorrow, if not, I'm just another another sleep closer I guess.
-Nevin xxo

The Day of Undying Loyalty

Meditation: "God may not be so far away"

Today I lost blood, but I've gained motivation. Awesome trade eh?
I think I've been on Levothyroxin for maybe 5 weeks now. Initially the only improvement I've noticed is better quality of sleep, and generally a pretty chipper mood. The past few days have seen my enthusiasm return; I'd slowly lost interest in generally everything in my life for 2 or 3 years I'd say and I just chalked it up to me becoming lazy or an overly "chilled-out-dude", but I'm engaged again.
I've spent most hours of yesterday and today on my drum stool, gettin' my groove back! I had all but given up on the drums, as I felt every bit of skill fade away and had resigned myself to selling my kit. But I'm happy to report I've been bust writing and I'm sitting on four new songs that just need some guitar to fill them out, wooooo, excited!

But on to a little digging around our collective character, more to the point, what we think of loyalty? Are you a fiercely loyal person? Do you stand by your friends, family and ideals staunchly? How about blindly? Will you stand beside them when you know they are wrong? What does that say about you?

Just a little food for thought for today. No advice. No preaching.

P.S Belfast Royal Academy FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Odds are, I'm making/arranging some sort of pressie for you,
Nevin xxo

The Day of Artisitic Sensibilities

Hello everybody!!

Right, now that the enthusiasm is out of the way, I can get right down to it. I'm pissed off. Like Zinedine Zidane headbutt pissed off.
I know what's doing it too, but I just have no way of fixing it. I let the past haunt me somewhat. I'll never be able to let go of a mistake, missed opportunity or losing somebody. If I could have a reset button surgically attached to my ass, that'd be fab! So I suppose today and last night has been a group session with me and my demons, woo!!

Therefore in time of such doubt I turn to the big book! No, not the bible ... maybe later. Remember the big book of birthdays I talked about waaaaaaay back? No? Well there's a picture up top for you Alzheimer's hopefuls.

So I scanned down today's page to the Advice section, which read thusly;

"Don't always look for the door. Build up the aggressive side of your nature. Find what really suits you, realistically, but beware of being swallowed up by your role"

Lets break down that rather simple yet brilliant slice of feel-good pie shall we;

Don't always look for the door - Stop chasing questions that can't be answered (waaaay ahead on that one)

Build up the aggressive side of your nature - Now this might me hilarious to some of you who have known me for less than a few years. Yes, I am capable of being angry, it happens extremely infrequently, but sadly scares the shit out of my best mates. So I poured all my aggression into a drum kit today. Turns out I have my rhythm back - win!

Find what really suits you, realistically, but beware of being swallowed up by your role - I'm soon going head first into teacher trainer, it's a nurturing kinda job, it's what I do. I've had people phone me up at all hours, cry on my shoulder, use me as a therapist during free periods in school, for as long as I can remember. I like helping people. But who helps the helpers ya'know?

Yet, blogging how I feel everyday, makes me feel a tad better. If one person is reading this and is the same boat and can empathize, then I guess this is all worth it.
Alas, I have an hour and half left to stuff my face before the fasting for my blood-test, yet I'm dieting ... wonder if I'm allowed Ice-cream? Mmmmmm.

Well meditate on this blog-stalkers!

"An aesthetic person sees beauty in the ordinary"

-Nevin, xxo